Alvida 2009...

Its exactly 11.11 PM IST. 49 more minutes to end year 2009. Half hours back I poured whole of Glefiddich bottle which was more than a large peg, in my glass with few ice cubes and still enough is left to take me in 2010. The Mtv is currently playing song 'Emotional Atyachaar ' on TV, probably they are replaying top 20 songs. The Haldiram's 'Sohan papadi' box which is half empty is on my side chair and my hand reaches to it some time while typing this. I am still thinking whether to cook Maggie noodles or not.

I shifted to this place on last Monday and still required few days of effort to put things properly. But still better than my usual stuffs. I searched for few dvds to spent this evening after Abhishek and Salabh left but I have not opened any one of dvd boxes. I switched on laptop to find few movie review but after browsing here and there i left it.. I am writing last blog of year 2009.

This evening I spent discussing few things with friends and didn’t had any great expectation set on new year eve. I was on leave since last Friday however I am spending few hours since last 3 days in office to get rid or my boredom. I will be writing more in coming days about new year stuff and things I am expecting however I have decided to visit as many new places as possible and experience new places and people. Few goals who are still waiting for my attention will surely get my attention and effort. I don’t want to look back and count ups and down in last few minutes of 2009. I acknowledge and thank it for being an exciting and experience rich year of my life.. ALVIDA 2009...

2009: A Retrospection

Looking back to the year that was I would say that it was bit of satisfying and exciting and I was able to accomplish and move ahead on most of the goals I had set earlier. A year for transformation and I invested lot of effort on this transformation in terms of joining Landmark Education and Art of Living. I travelled to USA and had amazing experiences. I met so many new people. Over all it was year full of excitement and new experiences.

3 idiots: A trip down memory lane

Friday was the starting of my so called very long weekend, a very long because it is difficult for me to pass time being alone on weekend, I was planning for a trip some where near by Bangalore but could not make it. I could not find any one to join with me on long drive, what the hell….

Any way I had already booked the ticket for 3 idiots with anand and ankur. So  me as one idiot joining with two couple for a movie.. The movie was laugh riot on line of Munna Bhai and was ultimate treat to watch.. Few scene were flash back to my own engineering days and listening KLPD words and seeing them getting approval was quite surprising. There is a history and list of how these words have been developed and what they actually mean, how they have been part of our enginnering culture. The movie was good journey to my engg. days and character portrayed were practical. The movie was also a comment on our present educational system although bit exaggerated. The ultimate dialog I could recall was that "agar dost fail hota hai to dukh hota hai per agar dost top karta hai to bahut dukh hota hai". I am sure most of us must have such feeling during their days.

A year that was...

An year comes to an end and so many things apart
But every moments lived will always be in my heart

The picture of a year that I always treasure
I remember so many occasion full of pleasure

I watched my self grow and changed day by day
The things I have done helped in so many ways

Remembering all the fun i had and things i did
On number of occasions i behahved as kid

I took the time to think and grow
Learn so much but still more to know

copyrights Rakesh Kumar

One year, 26/11

A sad year that just passed of our darkest past
The day in history when life completely fell apart

They attacked on the city of Mumbai
Snatched many of our beloved far away

This day may even die of history
Never to happen again is daily pray

They spread venom and we welcome
Only a fool pleases being victim

We fear for life and wait for pain
And you want us to practice restrain

But even today we are only with words
Reason and justification no one knows

The enemy is small and so tiny
But we are searching for road to victory

Entered in another year looking for justice
Tolerance and peace is our so called practice

Life goes on with nursing of wound
Seeking the justice we may never found

copyrights Rakesh Kumar Nov 2009

26/11 Heroes

This poem is about NSG commandos who sacrificed their life in 26/11 operation..

Your job is to serve our survival
But no one can say this cause is final

You are standing for us to kill or die
Next moment you may not survive

To perpetrate the ultimate traitor
You chosen to become a gunner

Your family at your home waits
But you go to the place you must vacate

You killed being part of this profession
To achieve glory of your ultimate bastion

Its who you are and what you do
With tears in our eyes we all say adieu

A nation hope rest with your courage
We suffered our deepest loss in the carnage

You are the only source to our pride
Across the darkness that looms deep and wide

copyright Rakesh Kumar, Nov 2009

Just another day...

Today was my birthday(Happy B'day to me) and it felt it like just another day. Just normal routine nothing else..

One day and I passed one more year in life
I feel lived enough but still without wife

Many Days, Month, Years passed in life
I don't know how I have survived

Many road I travelled were narrow alone
I walked joyfully and reached many milestone

Sometime thing were good, bad and ugly
One thing never changed that I was lonely

Sometime I was weak and sometime I was strong
I was wondering if this was the place where I belong

Sometime I lossed and sometime I won
So many beautiful occasion I thought were gone

Sometime I laughed and some time I cried
But I stood on my feet and decided to fight

Trying to reach on destination unknown
I looked back and found myself alone

Sometime I was crushed and pushed to corner
But I never stopped looking for answer

Many lesson learnt from my toughest journey
Always I faced things in life bravely

copyright Rakesh Kumar nov 2009

Hungry Children...

This poem I wrote after I saw a news documentary on children in Bihar dying with hunger because of last year flood, They have lost their home, parent, family and now living as orphan in rehabilitation camps expose to risk of child trafficking.. Shame on us as civilized society.


Why did they were given birth
When we don't have their any worth..

Is this what they deserve
Their destiny has only twisted curve

What have they done as small child
They don't have even food to survive

Why can't we satisfy their hunger
Is their birth in the world a blunder

Don't we have food for those kids
Are they as slave put only for bids

Why life is so unfortunate and cruel for them
Once they were too someone eye's gem

Hunger will drive them into devils hand
Force them to do things legally banned

Who is answerable for their fate
When we cant make their life straight

Children are dying for food and hunger
Shame on society and shame on us

And we living in so called civilized society
Doing nothing standing as silent witness...

copyright Rakesh kumar Nov 2009

Two years gone by...

This poem I wrote as I am completing two year in my current job on thursday. This is refelction of things I am dealing with..


One more day and I am completing two years
Thinking about so many things still not clear

How two years passed I didn’t realize
A number of occasions I have been apprised

Many people came and left me in life hazes
They are gone forever but I remember their faces

Standing at a distance I saw them walking away without sound
People, places and project have changed when I look around

Few not kept promises and I am yet to reach my goal
They are keep coming back and burning me like coal

Not everything here looks gloom and dark
A number of occasions have been with spark

Few questions have started coming in mind
When should I stop and look at horizon or sky

Should I continue or now is the time to go
Number of things I gained results to zero

I have great fun and excitements here
Spread my wings and excelled without fear

The moment and people touched me were amazing
However progress has stopped and I caught with ageing

copyright Rakesh Kumar, Nov 2009

A Saturday....

I got up this Saturday morning to go gym, only to find some one has scratch my car body with some sharp metallic object.. on bonut and driver door . His act of hate will cost me 7-8 thousand bucks and the person who had done it, what had he got.. i don't know.. may be satisfaction of destroying something. one more layer of hate in his life to destroy something bigger.

Yesterday i was watching this movie The Mist and where one dialog i came across.
"Why do you think We have invented politics and religion" Why?????

Is there any answer why we have invented these things and why do wee need them.. try putting few people in a room and see what happens to them...

Your are completely filled with it.
But you will never call it quit...

Hate against life and hate against humanity
you have created stories to make yourself agree..

Hate against parent and hate against teacher
You are no different from a mean creature..

Hate against your job and hate against your boss
Don't you see your life in a complete chaos

Hate against god and hate against death
You are surviving on a poisonness breath

Hate against me and hate against my car
you are just slave sold in this bazaar

When will you realize you are in gutter
Keep on living false life of an actor

You have battered your heart but not feel pain
Life goes on and you don't know how to refrain

copyrights Rakesh Kumar oct 2009

Beggar at Roadside

Waiting in the car at a signal to turn green

I turned head at a knock on my window screen

A beggar was knocking at window standing roadside

I pretended to search few coins in car inside

Casually I tried to look at beggar face

Glimpse on his face revealed a surprising case

His face was covered with million lines

Seems as his destiny is lost and resigned

I could sense there ages old beauty

He was looking only few coin as courtesy

His eyes had mysterious touch of blue

How he has lived his life without any clue

His body was shivering and legs trembling

Like he was passing a million years aging

Not sure if he would see next day

Or soon death will snatch his life away

My mind was racing for some understanding

How as human we lost grip on such things

Did he ever cared what he want

Or only he knew what he had got

Youth seems meaningless to him

Deprived of everything, was it his sin

I was sitting comfortably under car roof

He has spent life on a coin, just as proof

© Rakesh kumar, Oct 2009

So Far...

Is there something lost
The crazy will has nothing got

Something has happened
Why I am feeling as abandoned

Its very hard to describe
When you have cried

Why should I not I think
When my eyes never blinks

What future has stored for me
When this place is not for me to be

Should I walk to the voyage unknown
Holding this fear I have grown.

My Past was holding me till now..
I was chained like a pet cow

Milked at every place and occasion
This was only my destination

© Rakesh Kumar

Candle of Hope

Burning candle of hope…
Fighting to survive
like a new born baby in mother hand…
Keeps on crying..
Waves of wind comes as death to kill
But it survives on its own wills
Will it give in the night light
Keep on living with this fight
Everyone is thinking making it victim of hope
But it Walks alone on the path of light..

For a lunch

I thought of giving my friend abhishek ride on my car and having lunch with him together.. So picked him and it was around 3pm I thought of having lunch at jalsa 15 km from abhishek place we went there and only to be disappointed agt t was closed because of 2nd October and there is nothing to eat…

We moved back though having at Punjabi tadka near innovative multiplex.. We went upstairs only to fin people had left early because of holiday.. In front of this there rooomali restaurant with a view we went there only to fond that buffet is closed and there was nothing to eat… we went downstairs to kabab and find to be locked while coming back we tried to have Punjabi restaurant near bellandur on service road only to find it closed finally we decided to come back to bhartiam close to my place and had satisfied our hunger by poori sabji, paw bhaji and chole bahture……

The Landmark Forum

I attended Landmark forum basic course and it was a eye opening experience. The kind of transformation breakthrough I had was amazing and my whole life in front of me like a picture.. It was really amazing stuff that happened to me and I thank my friend Abhishek for it.
The Landmark is different and more effective than any other course/ training I ever attended. I was able to see most amazing life experience and conversation happening before my eyes . I have already enrolled for advanced course and looking forward to attend it in this December this will also bring to end of year transformation that I declared in the beginning of the year.

Start where you stand

Start where you stand and never mind the past,
The past won't help you in beginning new,
If you have left it all behind at last
Why, that's enough, you're done with it, you're through;
This is another chapter in the book,
This is another race that you have planned,
Don't give the vanished days a backward look,
Start where you stand.
The world won't care about your old defeats
If you can start anew and win success,
The future is your time, and time is fleet
And there is much of work and strain and stress;
Forget the buried woes and dead despairs,
Here is a brand new trial right at hand,
The future is for him who does and dares,
Start where you stand.
Old failures will not halt, old triumphs aid,
To-day's the thing, to-morrow soon will be;
Get in the fight and face it unafraid,
And leave the past to ancient history;
What has been, has been; yesterday is dead
And by it you are neither blessed nor banned,
Take courage, man, be brave and drive ahead,
Start where you stand.

Time..

The river of time flows
Day and night two sides

Month, years walking alone,
Wasting precious life..

Rising hot and cruel sun,

Drying land, Killing hope and inspiration

Lets all come together

Bring down this cruel sun in deep sea
Never to let it to kill any hope again

Lets pull some clouds of affection,
Bring some drops of love and spirit
Quench the thirst of dying soul...

© Rakesh Kumar

AT hard rock café...

Yesterday we decided to visit hard rock cafe .
Hard rock cafe branches in Mumbai as well Delhi in India.. We got the seat and ordered platinum bloody marry my colleague ordered purple haze.. Drink was ok.. We ordered chicken wings which was dipped with sweet tomatoes sauce it was ok but not very exciting per my taste. The environment was excellent and few waitress were really very hot.. I did tried with southern rock was something mix of vodka with jack Daniel.. It looked that waitress had forgotten my order but I was determined to have it, so I enquired and it was served finally. We got really scared with chicken wings so we decided not to order anything we came back around mid night…..

At ESPN Zone

There are many popular bar and restaurant around inner harbor ESPN zone and hard rock cafe being one of them..
One day we decided to try ESPN zone… ESPN zone has two type of seating arrangement in side and also around harbor water.. It was weekday and there was not much crowd beside usual visiting tourist, we went inside but it was bit crowded with loud music also lot of gaming stuff both of kids and adult. So we decided to sit out near sea water the seating place was build on roof over sea water.. We order some draught beer which was more kind of their specialties there was not much food varieties available my other colleague ordered some sandwich we ordered some chips and I decided to have dinner at room...

At Philips...

It had been around one moth for me here and I still not happen to had authentic sea food at any restaurant here so I decided to spent weekend evening at one of widely famous sea restaurant near inner harbor Philips. Basically this is the chain of the sea food restaurant and well known ( not know to me, I was advised by colleagues) for sea foods only. We landed in the Saturday evening and after much thought and discussion what to try and not to try we ordered sea food platter which was supposed to contain fried sea food, what we got was tuna fish, shrimp, crab cake French fries and with some sauces. Taste was good and shrimp and fish were crispy with sangrita sips it was all great..

Independence day...

Exactly 5 weeks back I left my beloved land
To explore a alien continent, there was no one behind

No laughter of loved one or smile of closed one
No tears of separation or any emotional burden

With all those emotions Standing still
Before my last step to flight

I slipped before I put last step to ride
Like the ground beneath my feet cried..

Now I realized it was holding me calling me

To come back everything is here if you realize

I didn't notice and found in strange land
Searched comfort in stranger all around

Back at home the room was dark without light
But looking at horizon I always found moonlight

No rainbow in horizon with only artificial light
No longer I was able to put my words down..

Searching for few corner whom I call my own
I remebered mud walls of my village where I had grown

How could I put words , with no feeling inside
After hours trying I got up with deep sigh.

Dream faded away when cruel reality strike
On few occasion I was cut with sharp knife
My mother tongue was only language in which I cried....

© Rakesh Kumar aug 2009

All but crabs…

Friday after noon was summer picnic here at Baltimore office there was enough variety of food but most amazing among those was boiled crab… basically crab were full boiled and you have to break it with mallet to eat it.. You can use pepper and salt if want… they were served on table you pick them break and peel of their skeleton and eat slowly. it was a amazing experience… with beer. I must say it was most exciting among all the food experiences I had here till now…it was truly memorable.

Some numbers...

So statistic discovered by me.... no offence please

97.8% of time if a guy look in the eyes of some girls and if they found at least twice girt looking back they think that she is interested.. And they will discuss it 80% of time instantly with person sitting with them, 20% after coming out of restaurant. 1.2 % time they don’t notice.

73% of time a guy will forget any attractive girl seen in market in next 3 hours

In 2% of cases they will remember till next year.

72% of time you will find even below average looking girl in foreign county more attractive…

89% of time if you find some girl smiling during conversation she must playing around with you and you don’t deserve any value in her eyes or rest of 11% you must be funny…. Which is not true…

73% of people sitting while drinking 81% of time think of a girl at least 3-4 times during a drinking session.

97% of people don’t like beer when they taste it first time. And they are still drinking it today

70% of men will cry while watching a romantic movie..tears may not come out..

60% of time if you see checking baggage tag in person who has is not coming from airport must have travelled less than 3 time in last 6 yrs.

66% you fart but don’t accept the fact even some one talks( 18% of time unless you sitting with chadhi yaar) about it.

81% of time you will promise to your self not to drink again after a bad hangover next day..

74% of time you wish talking or lift to stop if you find a attractive girl in lift unless you are getting late for office.

87% of people will exercise more or run faster than usual if they found a girl running in side trade mill in gym.

96% of guys will find a girl more attractive and appreciate it if they find a unknown girl smoking or drinking.

84% of girl who is smoking , is more than usual attractive and beautiful…

93% girl will fall in love with a guy only when they know he is rich.. 7% time guys were able to pretend themselves rich..

77% people dont know abt HR in any organzation. all rule is set by their own boss.

98% HR dont know what role they have in any oragnization. other 2% don't know what they are doing.

91% people will feel same nervousness while buying condom as they feel at their first job interview.

The Care taker

The other day i was discussing some project stuff with my American colleague Pete.. I like interacting with him and listening him, his way of speaking is smooth always in same tone and pitch and even you don't know if he is talking something good, bad, he is criticizing something or praising someone no expression and listener has to be very careful not to miss any words..

So during that discussion Pete was mentioning about 3 Gods in Hindu mythology.. he knew about creator and destroyer. I explained him about Brahma- The creator, Vishnu- The care taker and Mahesh- The destroyer.. Pete took it in our work context and said "Hey guys we know about who is creator and who is destroyer here, so lets become ourselves as Caretaker....

Update from baltimore,...

One more week left for me here and i will be flying back to India next Saturday.. it has been exactly one month here.. and i had exciting time here.. visited lot of places .. had different kind of experience and lot of new learning.

The recent update is that i will be staying here till end of august.. day by day personally i am feeling lonely and and isolated. My colleague most of time is busy with net and about himself we hardly talk with each other... its better to enjoy in one's own company rather than being with someone and feel like stranger. I started doing my usual stuff and occupied with my own stuff like going to gym and playing pool in community hall. I have started interacting with other members in the community....

Burning….

Yes I am keep on growing,
Running, burning

But not without you...

Taking you like burden..

I am not tired of doing it.

Burning help me..
Makes me feel lighter day by day

The joy of burning…
You will never know….

© Rakesh Kumar

A dark night

On a road in a winter cold dark night
I was there abandoned , left alone and afraid

On this never ending road I sat and cried
I was thinking where to go or just die

I walked alone but deserted like no other
Did I hope you to be on my every twist and turn

Now Every day I passes alone
Nothing seem valuable that I own

Bending on my knees
Did not I try hard to pay this fees

For sure now I walk to solve this code
You will never realize and feel this pain..
There is nothing now you will gain

© Rakesh Kumar

A trip to New york city..

Came back from Newyork city on Sunday evening. We went by bus in early Saturday morning and the journey was comfortable 3 and half hours journey.. Landed in the heart of Manhattan near times square building. We had walk around road this is amazing city you see lot of people around and feels like Mumbai in way. This city never sleeps. I could see big branded malls and shop and lot of big jewelry and fashion shop around lot of people walking on the road touching your shoulder. I went Madam Tussuad. It was proud feeling to see Indian Gandhi Ji and Amitabh Bacchan statue there. I had photo session with lot of Hollywood actors.
In the evening I went New york city Skyride and top of Empire state building. The view of New york city in the night was amazing. And on the top of building I could sense clouds floating around. I went biggest mall Macy what it claims to be full of all the fashion stuff, Jewelry and watches.
In the night I went to restaurant and bar and had Geilndfieck scotch which was excellent but the food that lady served was bullshit with no taste and I had a difficult time finishing half boiled chicken.
Next morning I went o Statue of Liberty we took metro train took a cruise ride probably first time for me to statue of Liberty and Elis island… we cam back and checked out from hotel Walcott did some shopping and had lunch with Indian restaurant took the bus and came back to Baltimore..

An evening at Inner Harbor…

The apartment given to us is very close to inner harbor the historic port of Baltimore.. We happen to visit there and spent some time in the Friday evening . Baltimore has one of the busiest port on east coast and this port is of historic significance

So walked on there Friday evening the and we can see lot of tourist and people around us dressed in different attire. Closed to harbor there many more historic building and museum and Baltimore convention centre sensing the dress of the few people I guessed there must be cultural or art festival or some drama must be played. Any way we had walk though the harbor around 2-3 kms on far side of harbor our office is located and can see the light of tide point building. Around the harbor we can find many restaurant with both inside and outside view it great experience to seat in a restaurant sipping beer and view beautiful girls walking around… so we landed to a Irish restaurant Tir Nao Nong. We had some food and drink till midnight.. The few thing worth trying is Crab cake. After trying with various restaurant I realized that there different variety of crab cake one is appetitizer and other which a complete meal the appetiitizer suits to the Indian taste meal generally taste sweet as it serves with sauces and honey sometime which generally sweet in nature. We had few variety of beer and came back

In the land of opprtunities...

So finally landed in the land of opprtuinites... as people say USA. On friday evening...in my long career I had only one foreign trip this being second.. aI like visiting new places and I was kind of looking forward to visit this land. So due to my professional commitment this trip finally happened. after planning and rescheduling a number of times.. I finally got my ticket confirmed.

The early morning Bangalore flight landed at noon at Hithrow and after noon flight evening at BWI airport in evening time. Hithrow being the big airport with full of glamour The connecting flight to BWI started bit late however things were ok and beside lady at Bangalore airport had given separate seats for both of although I was travelling with a colleague..

Any way most of the time in flight i spent sleeping and drinking beside browsing on flight entertainment system. We landed on Baltimore airport around 7:30 local time We had already booked a cab and took a bus to Avis cab centre to collect the cab. We took the cab and had some problem in collecting the apartment key. which was located at some other location. And after 2 hours roaming with GPS to near by location we were able to locate exact address and and key. In this whole process we didn't not find any human being around and no one bother to ask any question what we were doing around mid night. We had been given automatic entry key for garage and parking entry. this time i had realize how this society is dependent on technolgies.

I got around 9 O' clock in the next morning. And decided to had a sneak of near by market and after 10 minutes walk my colleague realized that he had lost the car key. We came back and after hell lot of search on net we called locksmith after confirming with local Avis center at sherton hotel.. finally we got locksmith guy in our apartments and he took just 8-10 minute to get the new key prepared and for this he charged a whopping 363 dollars. I never had such costly walk in whole of my life. The whole day was wasted in fixing car key and that was enough for the fist day

Next morning we went DC we drove till Greenbelt and took metro to dc Smithsonian... we went National museum, White house and Lincoln memorial and and National Acqarium and other federal building near by. In the evening we went for dinner Indian restaurant and finally i had some good food after 3 days.. rest in next update....

Some technical...

There was a programmer from Rose
Whose objects just wouldn't dispose.

He'd play with his classes
Till he smoked up his beer glasses

He thought of using inheritance
But his imagination was not coherent

He tried other approaches but his work just blows
And now his hard drive light just glows.

He tried with object association
But he felt it like taking poison

He also tried with object composition
But this was not the right position

He thought about solution day and night
Unfortunately he lost temper and had fight

He created many small classes
And he also discussed with his bosses

He was sure about missing deadline
At end of time his designed was not basined.

Will it work He was not even sure
But his intention was pure

He sent design as it is for coding
This was the time when .net was blooming

Garbage collector was right there
Disposed the object without his care

copyirght rakesh kumar july 2009

If you...

If you smile at me not because to reduce your stress
But only to impress and you are depressed

Don’t smile at me.

If you come as a friend not because of my company
But only to advance you destiny

Don’t be my friend.

If you help me not because you are comfortable
But only for the sake of my pleasure

Don't help me.

If you thank me not because of gratitude
But only for the sake of social formality

Don't thank me.

If you give me not because of joy
But only because of your social obligation

Don’t give me.

If you feed me not because I am hungry
But only because your home is not empty

Don’t feed me.

If you sleep not because to get peace of mind
But only because its night.

Don’t sleep.

If you read not because to empower your intellect
But because to copy other's experience

Don’t read.

If you cry not because to make emotionally empty
But only to gain other's sympathy

Don’t cry.

If you respect me not because for what I know
But only because what I own

Don’t respect me.

If you teach me not because to liberate
But only to make me enslave

Don't teach me.

I you love me not because the way I exist
But only to make me change and twist

Don't love me.

© Rakesh Kumar

Silent Walls...

My parent left on last Monday morning after spending around two weeks and I had a great satisfying time with them beside enjoying food made by mother. I was able engage and spent quality time with them. Most of the time we were roaming around city and inside city, eating and shopping. We went to national park and innovative film city, iscon temple beside shopping in the malls around. I am feeling bad and a kind of sadness after they left.. Again same routine… my evening are more dull and boring again. It has been more than one week and I don’t feel like doing anything wasting my time browsing channel or net most of the time at room….

The Last Page

This is the last page I am going to write
I promise there won't be any lie

Words here are from the heart of mine
And there is nothing I expect to hide

Unable understand what does it mean
Once I was seeking answer but now not keen

I still remember her first smile
Along the way I lost myself for a while

I was simple honest and innocent
And i was waiting for the right moment

Now may be the star have resign
Only missing shadow was mine

I am the man searching for reasons
Standing alone on a nowhere junctions

We were stranger walking on a journey
Now I found my self standing lonely

Unsuspecting victim of desire
I walked alone on a thin wire

Now we walk on the path destined
My lonely path is without sunshine

© Rakesh Kumar

Until I say Goodbye...

She came yesterday and sat on my desk, first and last time. To invite me on her marriage and say goodbye, the final one. I already knew that she was getting married next month and I anticipated that he might leave this place. She invited me to her wedding and said today was her last day here as she was moving ouside India. I wished her gudluck, success and happiness in all her future endeavor. I told her that I would miss her smile around here. She was telling that she would miss my hindi shayris which I hardly shared with her, very few, though i wished i could had shared more. And she said she would be in touch through orkut etc. I shifted last Monday just next to her cubicle every day and we were passing almost 5-6 times across each other daily. We never spoke. Not a single word was said beside one fainted smile. I am not complaining even I could not walked across her cubicle to say just hello. When we were sitting around few step away and we could not speak few words with each other, how could we expect to be in touch when she she would be 7 seas away. Today there was a sense of emptiness around and dull silent. I hardly used to speak with her and had only occasional talk and few exchange of scrap I had with her I could count on my finger. There is nothing for me to feel sad If I start looking at past fact and searching reason but yet there is pinch of unspoken words that will never be said. The things I always wanted to share with her as friend and colleague. The feeling I used to have when I used to enter in cafeteria or when my eyes used to search her around. There is nothing and everything at the same time. The sense of emptiness created will take some time to fill. Any way I wish her all the happines and sucsess.

What Goes around, comes around

Looks like it has been long time since last i have written anything.yes it has been more than 2 weeks and although i was not very busy but yes i was more a bit kind of unsettle. Things moved fast at professional and personal front although nothing concrete to write about. Professionally i was busy and personally things were not easy fro me. one reason i could not write anything was that i formatted my laptop and almost 10days i was busy configuring it. On personal side i have few philosophical note to add. what goes around comes around. and life returns me things in the form which i cant not accept or when i don't expect it or when they have least value for me. looking back to past 15 days i have not made any significant value addition to my life frequently it was wastage of my time.

Finally my parent are here... I went station to pick them up and it was quite satisfying.

End of Temptation...

I agree that I gave it without any fight
And I am left with my loneliness tonight
But I will make sure it doesn't fade away
Even though there was nothing I had to say
And I was watching let it go this way
I am not asking why i don't deserve
But this feeling I will preserve
You can laugh and say I am crazy
But I will never wonder why
For me it was like fairy tale
It is broken but not for sale
Destiny has woven this pattern
So many things I had learnt
I am exploring only one at time
Even there is nothing left behind
I will stand once again and fight

Copyright Rakesh kumar May 2009

A small one...

From a Hindi couplet..

I won't say it a dream as one day it will be over
I won't say it a heart as one day it will be broken
But if i say life it will go forever till death.

Omega...

May be I was living a empty dream
But you won't understand what it mean

Every time all the doors were closed tight
And my path was dark without single light

You never cared why I had walked alone so long
And always thought there was something wrong

Today when I am down and completely broken
You are thinking I am heavily drunken

Now you expect my story has come to an end
But so many things I still have to append

May be now I have changed my mind
But its not easy to leave things behind.


Copyright Rakesh Kumar April 2009

Desuetude...

You say friendship is like onion..
But I don't agree with your opinion

You think its layers add taste to life
But you don't see under it hidden lies

When you will cut you will pay the price
At the end it will bring tears to your eyes

You say only friends, forever
I don't want to be my soul killer

You name this feeling a friendship
But one day truth will be on my lip

You dream dreams in sunlight
One day this feeling may die

Even though it had made me cried
But my emotions has been magnified

What if it last just for a moment
I will treasure it for rest of my life

I will say goodbye and walk away
You will not hear the word I had to say


Copyright Rakesh Kumar April 2009

I Voted...

Today was election day and I voted, first time in General Election.

Number...

Yes! I am lost in this big city
Looking for my identity I found few number for pity

Only identity I have are few number
Like on my monitor a sole blinking cursor

My House number, cubicle number
PAN number, Passport number
Account number, Landline number

And most important among these all
A mobile number which everyone uses to call

Every one uses this number to reach me
Some times to love, hate or teach me

They call me to know my where about
Or just to know how I am fading out

They become worried if it is silent
As my heart has stopped being vibrant

A stranger reaches me by this number
As I am the only left to be conquered

To sell his product, to know my interest
To help me what I need or only to mislead

But I am unable to find few moments to heed
To look inside me, to search what I need

Running this never ending race
I have only brought my self disgrace

I have left all fellow runner long behind
But finish line is still out of my sight

I never tried even once to look back
To judge if I am on the right track

Searching for identity the race has no end
Morning to night everyday whole life spend

I am not alone being part of this lonely crowd
Where every one is running to catch the cloud

Finally one day I get a identity
My life comes to end bluntly

In the news paper next morning
A bomb blast headline all were discussing

They count the number of people died
And I was not among those survived

Among those killed they count me a number
The destiny even once I could not alter

My Life ends but I get an identity
One more number assigned to my entity

copyright rakesh kumar april 2009

Just like that...

Alone I battled storm that loomed
While i was living alone in this empty bedroom

I survived but my last drop of blood was drawn
Nothing was left with me but every battle was won

I can't say it was first or last
I only remember them as things of past

I woke up whole night just to see sun shine
but I forgot to understand aim of my life

Shattered dream you will find at every corner
My heart was bleeding but i didn't care to bother

Unable to reach any where I was confuse
I could not walk with so many excuse

I could not remember when i last smiled
I didn't see any reason for me to survive

So many things I consider them as wrong
Biggest mistake was to live so long

(© Rakesh Kumar, April 2009)

Few movie quotes...

“No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.”

Truth like-like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold.

--'Dead poet society'

'Gilli Danda' vs Golf

One of most widely played game in India is on the verge of extinction. Well i am not talking about cricket or hockey but i am talking about Gully Danda or Gilli Danda. This is the game which most of us have grown up playing. Well i am not talking about metros but in other cities and in villages its most popular game among kids and played almost every village, cities of India. Many people will say this is the game of poor but i would say it there are game which only rich can play but Gilli Danda is played by all whether rich or poor if you have access to local ground and are in touch with kids you must have played it. Now a days its hardly seen being played. While I was growing I had played lot of it. Only things needed to play this game is some bush's stick, Small portion of stick called gully and a small hole in the ground called 'Guppi'. You can play it alone enhancing your own skill or with anyone whom you either hate or love. My parent were most of time worried and many time advised not play because of fear that i would hurt my eyes as flying Gilli spins and when you are catching chances are you will misjudge it in air. Well there are fear with every sport you play why to blame Gilli Danda alone the worlds most cheapest game.

I have played many games and sports. I had encounter with golf in Delhi and also in Gurgaon where i used to stay close to Golf course. Golf is a game played by rich ones because of its cost of owning instrument not every one can afford it. This post is about similarity and perspective when I look both Golf as well Gilli Danda in current context.

Both game follow similar pattern you have a hole which has a important place in game. In Golf you have to put balls and in Gilli Danda you have to put Gilli.

You have Golf stick to hit Golf ball and here just a plane stick called 'Danda' or stick to hit Gilli.

You get constant no. of chances to hit and move the ball to hole the same way you do in Gilli although some variation exists.

The way you judge direction angle and stroke the same principle you apply in Gilii Danda also if you have played it seriously.

You measure distance in golf in term of par and in Gilli either by Danda or by your own step

There different kind of golf stick exists so does with Gilli danda.

You need a open space, land to play both game. although golf is now played in golf course this i see only as strategy to keep this game away from masses.

Golf is played by highly reach and elite class of people and Gilli Danda is played by extreme poorest lower class of people in society

There are few variants of Gilli Danda game and locally customized version exist.. in golf also local body have customised rule.

One different is that in Gilly Danda you option to catch Gilli in golf I don't see that may be this feature is derived from cricket.

To play golf you need be member of golf club and you need to plan things and time. Gilli Danda doesn't required any time any where with anybody you can play it. just find a stick around you.

The golf sticks are very costly but Gilli stick are free of cost.

You can get hurt by Gilli as well as golf ball.

I am sure those who had played Gilli Danda will cxcel in golf but vice versa is not true. and reason for Indian golfer doing well is Gilli Danda which is in our blood.

As compared to golf Gilli danda has been able to adapt itself in changing world and still its not control or govern by any organized body so there are only understood rules. So this game is still completely free and while playing you don't have burden of imposed rule and regulation. Gilli Danda is still in purest form and joy of playing a pure sport is different. Such things doesn't exist with golf.

There is no restriction on length of Danda or Gilli or Guppi depth or width, ground size and kind of ground, dress code. you can play it wearing nicker, Chappal or bear foot also.

Disclaimer I think to preserve this game and to protect this sport which is a part of our culture ( where is Shree Ram Sena) its moral responsibility of us to protect this game. We should create a governing body.. which should be name like GDCI.. Gilli Danda Council of India. If you have any better suggestion, any clarification or want to know more about this game mail me at DandaGully@gmail.com. also we need to fight to include this game in Asian games. if Kabbadi can go why not Gilli Danda.

A Note about My country..

"The simple and astonishing truth about India and Indian people is that when you go there, and deal with them, your heart always guides you more wisely than your head. There's nowhere else in the world where that's quite so true."

-Greogory David Roberts, Shantaram

The changing India

Things are changing so rapidly in India that even I am feeling outdated to 5 years younger people in terms of values, life style and thinking. Its too much to handle and cope with changing system in India even for a youngster like me. India is country where tradition is fighting for it survival or to coexist with modernity. I cant believe that 8 year back where a middle class family could not imagine having land line telephone, now a days I see 80% villagers using cell phone. India is country who is currently going through huge contradiction and paradoxes. At one place i am using laptop and other side one person in my village is cutting grass with a stone age tool for his daily survival.

Few facts i have noticed in my daily to daily life about changing faces of India where tradition and modernity are fighting or coexisting..

When I go home i use 'Neem stick' for brushing my teeth and at the same time every morning while chewing it I use my laptop for checking mail.

When I tell my father I develop software till few year back he used to ask how does it look like , shape and sizes and color and what m/c I uses. Also he used to think my office is a factory.

When first time in 2000 I used ATM at Connaught place New Delhi i required help. Once i was visiting with my 14 year old cousin and when he saw me pulling notes he ran away and told his parent standing outside that I was stealing money. 5 years later his 9 year younger brother knows how to use any mobile phone and send sms without any manual or know playing mobile game. Even he knows how to operate any digital device like remote control, ipod, camera etc with ease.

I don't remember when last time I visited bank for taking money.. During my school days my father used to scold me for not going bank and understanding its way of working.

My aunt still uses Amla Reetha and Black soil (kaali metti) to wash her hair but same time she uses multinational brand conditioner for good smell.

Half page rediff advertisement in times of india could not make any sense to me in 1997 and what does searching 10 million pages mean.

My uncle own 4 computer, 2 high end printer 1 scanner since last 12 years for business purpose and digital offset printing m/c. He travels on online ticket booked but he does not know how to send email and doesn't own email id. His 10 yrs old son has yahoo id.

If any one remember that in 2000 per sms charges were 6 rupees. the same amount i used to spent for a breakfast (puri sabzi) in Kanpur.

In 1998 when I met a head of a SBI branch for some work he believed computer virus were biological virus found in air and that was sole reason for keeping computers in AC chambers away from dust. Even few of my classmates also felt the same.

During my engineering days I used to write letter to my father. Generally i used to keep weekend free for this purpose and it used to take 4-5 hrs to write those 10 lines. Now a days i write 5-6 mail daily morning in 20 minute times addressed to bosses and friends.

In 2000 when I called a employer to confirm interview from local STD PCO booth from Kanpur to Delhi I already had main point written on paper to save money and 1.5 minute charge was 24 rupees. My father still finishes conversation in 2-3 minutes. He still thinks STD calls rates( 16 rupees per minute) are same what they used to be till 2001.

In my place we have society and all my uncles and father friends meet almost daily. I could not explain why social networking sites like orkut exists and what they mean.

No body is worried at my native place what is recession and inflation. They are more concern of potato prices and how they will put in cold storage.

In 1996 when I choose computer branch my uncle told it would bring unemployment. Few of my friends opted out to other branches from computer after joining engineering.

When first time one of my friend created a email he thought only he could check mail from same seat what he had used to create email account.

The most popular search engines during our college days was altavista.com, copernic.com.

4 years in first job i didn't have Internet access in office and to troubleshoot problems we used to rely on MSDN cd, seniors or study book in the evening at room and it was shame if i found using them in office. Now a days I see candidate discussing proudly even in interview how they use Google for searching code or problem. They cant imagine job without Internet.

Initially in my first job i didn't have official email id for some time. NT pop up what we used to have as a messenger for gossiping to colleague sitting in next cubicle.

I still remember in my 7th standard general knowledge book salary of president of India mentioned 25k.

My mother still uses stone made Sheel Lorha (for grinding turmeric etc) and electric grinder in same kitchen side by side.

We used to think that movies on national channel DD1 could only be broadcast at least after 10 years of its release, now a days it hardly takes 3 month for a super hit movie to be telecast on a cable channel.

Tete-a-tete

Since long time 'Raka Dholakiya' wanted to have a tete-a-tete with me and wanted to know about my life. I was avoiding him but 2 days back he made me an offer i could not refused below is part of my conversation with him Dholakiya saab question were tough as you can see but i was able to answere them with best of my knwoledge.

Q: Who are you, tell me something about yourself

Ans: Chemically and physically I am a matter and you are also a matter but it doesn't matter. There are so many ans I may be human, son, Indian, Rakesh etc. I am nothing as well as everything at the same time.

Q: How to do you want to be known?

Ans: You don't even try to remember me, forget me as early as possible. Good for you.

Q: Any other thing about you?

Ans: If you remember my face it may not be good for you. It changes very frequently. You can use any word slang, for me you want e.g Rough,rude, insensitive, selfish blunt, socially unfit, bugger loser list is endless. all are well suited to me.

Q: Tell me something about your background?

Ans: There was no ground behind my back. I was born (not sure, my uncle used to tell that they picked me from train) and ruined at every step to every extent in all possible way you ever imagined.

Q: About your home and family etc?

Ans: I have parent, brother, Half of my life i have spent myself surrounded by 4 concrete walls alone, well not in prison. some time I had sketches on those walls..

Q: Tell me something about your childhood?

Ans: Twice I ran away from school in 2nd standard and once form home in cold December winter midnight without wearing Chappal. Railway station was not far away but icy cold road was too much to handle.

Q: So you came back what happened after that?

Ans: Wait yaar, you are running before me. I took shelter in temple.. and while shivering I got enlightenment.

Q: What enlightenment, what knowledge you got?

Ans That I love running... since then I am running...24X7 throughout year.

Q: Any other incident you noticed in childhood?

Ans: After getting failed in one exam my father rewarded me with 1 rupees coin, being pleased on my exceptional performance.

Q: So you went school, got educated?

Ans: Education didn't ruined me but it didn't make me either I ended being confused. Most of time i spent playing in ground and listening to teachers while sleeping. One of my school was too far to reach and other was too near where my father can hear what i am reading in class.

Q: What subject you like most?

Ans: PT. Physical training. because I used to get to run. and 6 year in my school I was winner in all the races I ran ,100, 200, 400, 800 mts.

Q: Any school politics, leadership

Ans: Once I refused to pay increased fees and confronted principal whole class was behind me. The principal said two lions cant live together in same jungle. next moment i became goat..

Q: Any sport you played?

Ans: I played hockey, Sorry lived hockey and it was my only love and passion I used to live and die for it. 8 hrs daily in ground my team was state level champion attended, nation level camp.. that time I never imagined I would live without this sport.

Q: Why didn't make career, why left playing?

Ans: In my 10th board exam I topped whole region from no where, shattering many hard working friends heart. Suddenly everyone ( not me) realized i was good at studies.

Q: So how did you went to graduation?

Ans: Longest running state transport bus from my place used to go Kanpur only 12 hrs overnight journey. so one day I took a bus landed up in the morning in Kanpur got admitted in engineering.
Disclaimer: This answer I gave in my first campus placement interview.

Other ans could be that I didnt sleep in this entrance exam...

Q: Tell something about Engg. life, must be interesting?

Ans: I was confused between Sleep and study. When every one studied I slept and when every one slept I studied.. most of time I was fighting when to sleep and when to study... (i had habit of study in morning) my eyes used to get read after (9:30 PM) thank that no body complained about ghost walking in corridor.

Q: Any girlfriend etc in college ?

Ans: yaar I went to B. Tech degree not for lovology degree. Any way the streets of heaven were too crowed with angels... For me mid-sem exam was easier then approaching to girl and lived in that comfort zone.

Q: Why did you choose computer science to study, any interest.

Ans: I didn't chose, I was not aware about abc of computer. During counseling counselor said 'mera magaz mat khaoo' Don't eat my brain... so.. i said give me computer. I heard it had got brain. Lets eat his brain... now I realized neither computer nor I have brain...

Q: Any way how was your experience when you started comp. sc. study?

Ans: Bro, Till end of first year I had never touched computer and seen computer only on railway reservation counter. and the first DOS command I ran was 'c:\chess' about a Chess game and my HOD threaten me to suspend for whole semester for playing game during lab period and till today I don't have any game on even my personal laptop...

Q: What you use to do in free time in engg days.

I used to counsel other on their personal life. e.g how to propose girl, how to write love letter besides collecting photocopies of my notes.

Q: Any extra carricular activities?

Ans: I played hockey football, cricket, wrote some play script, acted in them.

Q: Your favourite comic character?

Ans: Chacha Chaudhry, kyonki chacha chaudhary ka dimaag computer sey bhi tej chalta hai.

Q: How did you landed in corporate world, job

Ans : I was in Delhi .landed for interview. got the offer.

Q: Very simple?

Ans: What simple. they told that they will get back in week time so i went to institute to spoil my junior lives as my HOD thought I could be good faculty member so he offered me in final year itself. They called me for discussion.. While coming back from Delhi to Kanpur to train I realized I had to attend AIR Force SSB. I though 5 days would be good fun why to spoil others life through teaching..but when I landed at home my mother has the news.

Q: How was your job and professional life.

Ans: Actually I thought of quitting first day itself.

Q: Are you single?

Ans: I have many personality....there are many undiscovered side of me...if i am not single will you charge me for that.

Q: Have you ever been in love or fallen in love.

Ans: Falling is OK for me from any where for anything even form 6th floor of office building but sudden stop at end hurts.

Q: You ever liked someone or even feel like that?

Ans: I don't have hate for anything. I hardly accept anything. I believe in admiring things without owning them.

Q: I didn't get it, no i mean girl etc there are so many girl around you?

Ans: I never told anyone if liked except one blunder( yarron mainey panga le liya). Every minute I fall in love and but say I love you to myself only..OK, May be I like her but then if I have not told her about it. will not tell you either.

Q: What are you planning to do..

Ans: Nothing... all my earlier plan are in state of paralysis.

Q: You writes some time..any inspiration?

Ans: It since long.. earlier it as in Hindi and now in English. It confession of a confused mind.. if u are reading then its at your own risk.

Q: What you enjoy most currently?

Ans: Cooking..... I am joining a short term cource of chef, You should do something where you lose track of time. Again I don't guarantee if you eat my food u will enjoy it.. its not about Whether you enjoy eating, but its about my cooking which i enjoys

Q: Kind of quality you look in others?

I admire honesty. 'Nindak nieare raakhiye angaan kuti chwaye'...You should shelter in your house those who criticize s you... so just criticize me.


Q: Any bad habit do you drink or smoke etc?

Ans: Who is not addicted to this world from bhagwaan shankar to krishna.. We are living in virtual world which requires addiction, I am drinking 24 hrs everyday and living in smoke and addicted to all kind of weaknesses of this world which u ever imagined..

Q: What are you doing currently?

Ans: Nothing wasting my self and my life...

Q: Any other interest..

Ans: Music... I have few song recorded

Q: Any further study planning etc?

Ans: My ultimate aim is to study medicine,,,, before I die, I should get MMBS degree.. just in case doctor refuse to treat me. Any way I have already live long and people must be fed up with me if not MBBS, MBA may also work.

Q: Where do you see Ur self after 10 years?

Ans: May be growing tomato at my own farm..

Q: Tomato??

Ans: Han bhai... software nahi uga skata.( i cant grow software) This ground is no more fertile for software ...

Q: Any plan of marriage...

Ans: I want to remain happy...

Q: What are your weakness and strength?

Ans: what is my strength will become weakness one day and now my strength was my my weakness some time back.

Q: Do u believe in religion, god?

Ans: You cant tell me where to go , what to do. You just give me choices and explain me .. Organized religion is not my cup of tea.. I don't follow it but same time i don't avoid either..

Q: Any wish before you die?

Ans: On last day of my death i don't want to regret that I didn't utilize all of my talent that was given to me.

We love it...

While doing something for a while
You forget to keep track of time
You miss something very important
But you don't get upset

You love it.

While watching a movie alone
Laughing out loudly you roll on floor
You feel like crazy and mad
Don't behave like a sensible lad

You love it.

While watching a movie scene you start cry
You don't pretend to be strong or even try
Your eyes get wet with tears
On your cheek while they roll
You feel a cold sensation
But you don't wipe them out

You love it.

While you experiment with some new dish
You forget to add salt or it taste as you wish
You smile and don't get angry on your fault
Or you burn vegetable while cooking
It doesn't come out as you were aiming
You don't feel bad while eating

You love it.

As a kid when you wake up midnight
There is no one near to your bedside
You feel like walking to washroom
Scared as thinking of a character creepy
You pull the bed sheet to cover your face
You think it as a most horrified case

You love it.

While playing with a small kid
You draw few lines on her palm
An deformed flower or her name
Something she don't even understand
But she feels happy and brings smile
Shows it to every one around
Like a precious gift she has found
Which you can't even describe

You love it..

You return home after long time
Your pet dog comes around running
You feel the most special bonding
Jumps on your feet and body
Licks your finger and makes cloth dirty
But you don't even get angry

You love it.

You seed some plant
After long time you see its leaf
It grows some flower or some fruit
Its small but looking innocent and cute
It won't be enough for you to use
But you feel excited with joy

You love it.

While playing a game with small kids
Losing to them you think is a worthwhile
You lose the game but you smile
You get a beating but don't get serious
Kids are excited and you feel joyous

You love it..

While you are cleaning your room
You find a old diary of old days
Reading few lines you turn few pages
Naive and innocent words without any senses
Or a dried flower between the pages
Memory flashes and you remember few faces

You love it..

You listen few lines of an old song
Now its too old and outdated
You have not listened it since ages
While trying to remember next few lines
You connect yourself with some old sight
Unable to recall words you give a smile

You love it...


(© Rakesh Kumar Mar 2009)

Burn out before it fade away...

I want to keep this burning
Before it fades away
I don't know why
Its not that I didn't question myself

But then I realized...

I am too addicted to come out of it
I am afraid that if it dies out
I wouldn't be the same

Even though I know that...

There is nothing for me there
The joy of burning
May be I want to live in this dream
And one day it will be broken
My entity will be shaken

But..

I am addicted to this poison
I want to burn with it
Its better to burn out than fade away...

What is real...

"None of this is real. You pull the plug I disappear. Nothing I ever say, nothing I ever do whatever matters. Why don't you find my user." said Hog. The character in '13Th Floor, movie when he realizes that he is just a computer simulation and not real.

There are 3 movie I remember made on computer world, virtual reality and simulation which raises the question about reality. They are 'Matrix', '13Th Floor' and 'ExistEnz'. I think all were released around same time.

The question remains what is real. what is virtual? I think both are complementary, When reality doesn't exist its virtual, like absence of light is dark. Can I say whatever I feel, whatever I do, whatever my senses tells to mind is real. Is it reality? (Gita: Everything is MAYA). Imagine one day getting up in the morning and only finding just few things we were believing since years doesn't exist in the same form, be it trust on someone, belief, love, person anything. How does it feels afterwards knowing what our beliefs were not true, what have seen were not true, your feeling, love, relationship, person are not in the same form, what you considered doesn't exist same way. It may be perception, things that your were holding about something does not existing in the same way. How do we react. When we find whatever we were holding is false and now exist in different form. If we look only to our self we will find such moment exist in our life too. Everynone must have already faced it. Remember How did it feel then, how we reacted. I am sure its not easy to accept them easily and those were hard time and what about the world we live, about our whole life when we find this existence is not real.. Its not easy...