Instead......

If you are going to birth her not because of love but just to produce, Produce my clone instead.


If you are going to feel disturbed because she is crying as kid, Make me feel disturbed instead.


If you are going to shout at her because she wants something innocently, Shout at me instead.


If you are going to stop her simile because she is not serious in difficult situation, Stop my smile instead.


If you are going to make her work rather than educating because she is poor, Make me to work instead.


If you are going to beat her because she is sleeping under stars being tired, Beat me instead.


If you are going to make her unconscious because she drank poisonous water due to thirst. Make me unconscious instead.


If you are going to put her in prison because she stole few bread to satisfy her hunger, Put me in prison instead.



If you are going to make her shiver in winter because she don't have blanket to cover, Make me shiver instead.

If you are going to make her deaf because she want to listen the song she enjoys most, Make me deaf instead.

If you are going to make her blind because she saw injustice and opposed it, Make me blind instead.


If you are going to cut her tongue because she spoke what was in her heart, Cut my tongue instead.


If you are going to look at her body with lust because she doesn't have proper cloth to cover, Look at me instead.


If you are going to cut her hand because she is holding her lover hand publicly, Cut my hand instead.


If you are going to feel jealous because she rejected your love and accepted someone else, Feel jealous about me instead.


If you are going to burn her house because she belong to a different religion, Burn my house instead.


If you are going to humiliate her because she is not beautiful physically, Humiliate me instead.


If you are going to make her broke because she is walking on path of her dream, Broke me instead.


If you going to give her mental trauma because she spoke truth with pride, Traumatized me instead.


If you are going to blister her feet because she has to walk miles to bring water for her family, Blister my feet instead.


If you are going to betray her because she trusted you blindly, Betray me instead.

If you are going to hate her because you could not become what she was and you refused to accept, Hate me instead.


If you are going to bring tears in her eyes because she lost all of her hope, Bring that tears in my eyes instead.


If you are going to break her heart because she has fallen in love with you forever, Break my heart instead.


If you are going to make her cry because she has lost her only son, Make me cry instead.


If you are going to shoot her because she embraced her enemies with affection, Shoot me instead.


If you are going to leave her because she has nothing and sacrificed her all for you, Leave me instead.


If you are going to crush her because her old house came down crumbling in rain, Crush me instead.



If you are going to slip her from the top of high hill because she attempted to reach on top. Make me slipped instead.


If you are going to refuse her color and happiness in life because she is widow, Refuse those to me instead.


If you are going to burn her because she preaches a different God's word, Burn me instead.


If you are going to bleed her because she doesn't have money to cure, Bleed me instead.


If you are going to abdicate her memory because she tried to remember her prime past, Abdicate my memory instead.


If you are going to leave her die on the road because society has rejected her, Leave me to die instead.


If you are going to erase her existence from the earth because she is old, Erase my existence instead.

(© Rakesh Kumar feb 2009)

Courage

If we see and analyze the root cause of all the problem and conflict happening in the society we will find that there lies a 'FEAR' and its behind every problem. e.g. there are conflicts among different religious belief in this world. Why these people are fighting even though there are enough people and space for every religious practice to grow in this world and Neither do any religion teaches hate. Even though now religion is threatening to destroy the peace of this world why?? again the fear. the fear that some one come and puncture the balloon of our belief that we are holding in our heart. We have worked hard to make this balloon to grow now if we allow other belief to grow our own belief will be destroyed. So to avoid lets destroy other belief. similarly for any kind of problem in any relationship the root cause is again fear. Few fear we generally encounter is losing some one or fear that other will not meet our expectation etc or fear that some will hurt us, fear that we will lose trust, person etc. There are so many thing in other humans to enjoy even though if other person is completely different but we destroyes those enjoyment because of certain stupid 'fear' which only exist in our mind. Important thing to note about fear is that we cant fight with it and we must learn to live with it. the more we will fight more bigger it will become.

Few act of courage that we can follow in daily life to make our life more exciting is by asking simple questions

Do we have courage...

To Be ourselves
To Live with an Open Heart
To Live with Integrity
To Let Go
To Challenge our Beliefs/Stories
To Dream Bigger
To Persevere
To Speak Up
To Take Action
To Say No
To Take Responsibility
To Be a Leader

Lets think...................

Five secrets...

Recently i finished a book title 'Five secret you must.... ' The book is based on the author interview with people from different walks of life and their learning and experiences in life. The five secrets what author called and my learning are below.. It its about asking question to ourselves how are we doing? Where are we going?

Be true to yourself (Reflect more)
--Am I kind of person I want to be?
--Am I following my heart?
--What would make tomorrow or next week feel more true to myself?


Leave no regrets (Risk more)
--Am I acting out of fear?
--What it takes for me to be more courageous?
--How I am responding to setback in life?

Become love (Love more)
--Am I making room for family friends relationship?
--I am living with luv and kindness and spreading it in the world?


Live the moment (Enjoy more)
--Am I enjoying fully whatever I am doing?
--Am I really here or just showing up?
--Do I let tomorrow or yesterday to steal my today happiness?

Give more than you take (Return more)
--Am I making world better place even in small way?
--Am I reminding myself that I am making a difference even when I don’t see it?
--Am I kind, generous, and giving this week? How can I be more that way?

Dumb Charades...

Friday was Amit birthday (and my nephew B'day too) and his wife Garima had invited me for surprise b'day party she had arranged for him at her place I reached well on time but bit late in the evening. Other friends were also present with their wives. We played couple of game together like tambula and 'Dum Charades' and the night was full fun. I had hardly played dumb charades before that but to my surprise i was able do very well.

Few movie name given to me were...

Lawaaris, Anuranan--(the meaning of the word is resonance, Bengali) i had never heard about this movie and i was guessing it was not a Hindi movie and after googling i found its a Bengali movie.

And the most difficult movie was 'Happy Days'. I had really tough time explaining to my team members although i was able to do that. This is a some south Indian movie

Now i understand how movie these ladies watches. Few movie from my side were 'Manorama 6 feet under', 'Drohkaal' etc.

The dinner was excellent and I had great time there.

Last but not least Happy B'day to 'Amit' and my nephew.

American Idol- Hero song

Danny Goke sang this song in friday episode(india) of American Idol season 8. Originally it was sang by Mariah Carey.. The lyrics are beautiful and inspiring...

There's a hero if you look inside your heart.
You don't have to be afraid of what you are.
There's an answer if you reach into your soul
and the sorrow that you know will melt away.
And then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and you cast your fears aside
and you know you can survive.
So, when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and you'll finally see the truth
that a hero lies in you.
It's a long road when you face the world alone.
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold.
You can find love if you search within yourself
and the emptiness you felt will disappear.
And then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and you cast your fears aside
and you know you can survive.
So, when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and you'll finally see the truth
that a hero lies in you.
Lord knows dreams are hard to follow,
But don't let anyone tear them away.
Hold on, there will be tomorrow.
In time you'll find the way.
And then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and you cast your fears aside
and you know you can survive.
So, when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and you'll finally see the truth
that a hero lies in you.
That a hero lies in you,
that a hero lies in you.

Odyssey.....

I wrote it while i was left with few hours nothing do on this Friday evening.... The whole day was lost in clearing some mess created by others..


Running to reach on difficult hills high
I was not questioning if it was right


Path was deserted and walk was lonely
She was the one thing in my mind only


My Body was bruised with million thorn
Only my shadow was with me to mourn


With tears in eyes I wished her to be near
Only I had was sorrow, pain and fears


My end was near without any hope
I was walking on a broken tightrope


With dying breath and fading eyesight
I still had to walk many million miles


I won't regret why I had begun
For her I could swim across many ocean


I could feel scattering pieces of my heart
My life had become completely apart


My last wish was to see her smile
Just to say her final good bye.





(© Rakesh Kumar)

Moral Policing....

As soon as put my laptop bag and switch on TV( idiot box). It was a news channel and there was some news about Taliban, its rules and killing of journalist. I switched to some other channel there was news about moral policing incident happened few days back in Mangalore. I am wondering what is happening now days. Everyone is dictating others life. People know what other should do but they themselves don't know what they should do. Every other group/ organization is dictating what is correct and moral and what we should do, How should we live, how should we behave, what should i eat or wear, Where should I go, when should i party and how should I express luv. It seems to be difficult time for society and individuals too. There are different principles and way of living. Don't give me reason of preserving culture and heritage. No body can define history, culture and these group don't have authority to preserve that we as individual define our culture. During these kind of crisis its very difficult to decide which side is right and which side is wrong. We cant saying these moral policing group have all the bad people. They may have few good people. see not all people in Ravana or Kaurava side were bad. The important thing is to know the intention because of which these conflict are occurring. And this conflict is basically to decide what is justice. For me freedom is justice and bondage is injustice. These groups which are forcing all bullshit kind of bondage on us is on the side of injustice. The few good people present in these groups don't have clarity of thought and most of time they are confused people. Even in Mahabharata many character were confused. Even though Arjuna was fighting for justice in Mahabharata but he was confused, was not sure before final night of war and Krishna has to come for rescue. Similarly these people don't know what they are doing is going to serve the side of injustice and its natural. Its natural that these groups/people who are trying to put bondage on us and trying to decide our course of life will not say so directly and they will use world like protecting culture and morality and Indian society etc etc.
But this is issue of freedom and which of utmost important and most decisive issue to everyone. I need a society where human freedom can grow and blossom. I don't want a society which put human in so many restriction. Freedom is natural and everybody must have right to have it.
The other term which being misused now a days is equality. Equality is not a natural thing. Nature don't create things equally. they why are we trying to make everyone equal. Not every body can be equal. Every body should have freedom to be himself. Many people destroy freedom under cover of equality and once freedom is gone its very difficult to revive it because those who will destroy it will also destroy its chances for reviving in future too. once its gone its gone for forever. If there is freedom, inequality will be diminished. We cant say same that with freedom equality will come but if we force equality freedom will diminished... for me anything imposed on other's will is similar and close to slavery. This is also problem with current judicial system which trying to make every one equal and its failing. The current legal and judicial system is based on notation of equality that's why freedom is diminishing. Freedom is absolute..
When a free individual enters in a relationship society grows, because only a free mind can be creative. Remember we find better solution to problem only when we feel free and creative not when our boss is standing behind us or something is pressurising us. Can we have a society in prison? Have we ever heard of it. Individual freedom must be preserved for the growth of society and human and we should fight for it.

Decoding Morality, ethics and selfishness Part II

For me being moral consists in taking the actions necessary to sustain and further my life actions -- such as thinking rationally and planning for the future, being honest and having integrity, producing goods or services and trading them with others,judging people rationally (according to the relevant facts) and treating them accordingly, and so on. In a word, we hold that being moral consists in being rationally selfish or egoistic.

Egoism is the morality of non-sacrifice; it rejects every form of human sacrifice—both self-sacrifice and the sacrifice of others—as a matter of principle. It holds that being moral consists in rationally pursuing one’s life-promoting values, neither sacrificing one to others nor sacrificing others to one.

Egoism upholds the principle of non-sacrifice— the idea that one should never surrender a greater value for the sake of a lesser value. This principle is the recognition of the fact that giving up the requirements of one’s life and happiness is inimical to one’s life and happiness. Of course, life requires that we regularly forgo lesser values for the sake of greater ones; however, these are gains, not sacrifices. A sacrifice is the giving up of something that is more important to one’s life and happiness for the sake of something that is less important to one’s life and happiness; thus, it results in a net loss (mostly seen in love case or any normal relationship. and we rate sacrifice highly in our life).

To live, people must pursue values, not give them up (what my friend did actually). According to egoism, if a person pursues his life-serving values and refuses to sacrifice them, he is acting morally and if he does not, he is not acting morally. If he produces values and trades them with others for a profit (whether material or spiritual), he is thereby being moral, he is gaining values on which his life and happiness depend.

On this view, if as software developer i trades my product with others for a profit i am being moral. A volunteer social worker who gives away his time and effort for nothing at all is thereby being immoral. Similarly, a soldier who fights for freedom on the grounds that life without liberty is not worth living (“Give me liberty, or give me death!”) is being moral; one who fights in obedience to an alleged “supernatural” being’s commands is not.

We can see somewhat black-and-white difference between trading values for gains and giving up values for nothing. Egoism is for the first; altruism for the second.
In a way standards of value according to altruism is self-sacrifice which our society rates highly. The standard of value according to a predator is his whim. The standard of value according to hedonism is pleasure or feelings. The standard of value according to rational egoism is the requirements of man’s life.

Thus i must say that individual should live his own life for his own sake. He should live his own life-promoting goals, such as a wonderful career, a passionate romantic relationship,enjoyable recreational activities, great friendships,a rational culture, and a social system that protects his right to do so (i am not sure about my friend goal when he refused his Girlfriend).

I don't agree that our life require any sacrifice. We as a people can live without giving up our minds, our values, our lives, people can live without murdering, assaulting, or defrauding one another. Nor can human sacrifice promote human life or happiness. It can lead only to suffering. If we want to live and be happy, we must neither sacrifice themselves nor sacrifice others; rather, we must pursue life-serving values and respect the rights of others to do the same.

Decoding Morality, ethics and selfishness Part I

I am here not trying to decoding morality and ethics as the title says. I am not a philosopher and any one can find thousand pages and one can spend discussing and deciding what is ethical and moral. I am writing here because of an ethical dilemma one of my friends faced. My friend’s girl friend told him to write and Online question paper on a subject in which friend was specialist. My friend refused it on ethical ground that he can’t write and for someone who is supposed to take exam and said it as kind of cheating and refused it saying its against his values. He made his object of love unhappy on this and now they are not on talking terms. Any way I am not going to be peacemaker and they will sort their problem and hopefully some middle way to avoid conflict between ethics love and fulfilling ones partner expectation. If I take out ethics and moral ground out of their fight it was about simply asking a favour and fulfilling one's expectation which people generally do specially with their family friends and partner? As human we try to reduce our ethics and moral standard where close family friends are involve bozo we tend to think emotionally

Generally we hold values and ethics as a principled guidance for living and achieving happiness in this society. But since human beings are individuals, each with his own body, his own mind, his own life, this standard pertains to human beings as individuals ethics and moral values. Now considering that my friend action was to prove himself more moral and keep himself high on ethical ground was an act of selfishness mixed with ego that was consistent with human nature of proving oneself superior to others. Although in this case on the ground of ethics. Thus I hold this fact that being moral consists in being rationally selfish or egoistic.

Now if I say my friend that he was being selfish in this incident I am sure I am going to lose his friendship, Again here I am not being honest with him and myself but selfish for keeping this friendship intact.

Moving ahead this thinking process another term I often hear is Altruism. According to Wikipedia (just googled i was confused about its exact defn.) its defines as selfless act/concern for the welfare of others.

Altruism, is the morality of self-sacrifice—that is, of serving others at the expense of one’s own life-serving values (where my friend failed in the above case). The basic principle of altruism is that to be moral, an action must be selfless: if a person acts selflessly, he is moral, if he does not, he is not. If he gives up a value for no gain whatsoever, he is being moral, if he gains something from an action, he is not being moral. E.g. if I work for NGO voluntarily in exchange of nothing I am being moral but If as a Software developer I creates a software and sell it for a profit, I am not being moral.

The moral conflict I am facing in this practice is that suppose I am helping someone who is lying on the road on my way due to accident. While helping him I am feeling morally very good( act of knidness) and I feel high about it as it gives me pleasure and feel good feeling. Now, Is my act is selfless? Am I not deriving pleasure (whatsoever) from the misery of some one else. Can some one say my act is selfless? How I am different from a person who is gaining pleasure either by hurting some one or from the one derive by displaying behavior of kindness. Are not these 2 are sides of same coin one is hurting and one is helping, both getting pleasure from misery, one by protecting and one by hurting. Thus for me all actions are taken in one's self interest whether we do. Helping or not, no action is selfless. There is deeply rooted self interest, self pleasure involves in every action whatever we take.. And THIS IS CALLED EGOISM.............

A V-Day with Friends, Fish and 'Dev D'

Most of the my friends( 2 out of very few i have) were requesting to had fish at my place. Which they or rather than I think that i am good (non vegetarian) cook. It was long due from my side also and it has been long time since I have prepared anything specially non vegetarian stuff at my place. I have a cook which do all the daily cooking but simply I love cooking and i didn't want to miss this fun loving exercise and also since long i had invited any one of my friends. So I invited them (Anand and Ankur with their wife) to have lunch at my place on Saturday 14Th Feb at 14:14 PM-2hrs. when I send a mail on Thursday with attached photograph and time mentioned as above they thought that I am inviting them only and 2.14 for 2 hrs and i have some other plan in the evening . But in reality to give the creative touch I wrote mail like that and invited them at 12:14 PM and I came to know only about this misinterpretation when they had planned to come at my place at 2:14 PM.
So my preparation started at late Friday evening as my room was dirty like hell and and it was difficult for anyone to stay for more than 10 min beside me. My Kaamwali disappeared after working 3 days taking 100 bucks 3 weeks back) . I started cleaning exercise which went on till midnight and some how I was able to make my room look good in my opinion only, Also I was able to buy grocery and other kitchen stuffs with Beer and Wine late Friday night.
I got up as usual 6:00 AM in the morning went straight to gym had longer than usual session as it was Saturday and after finishing i went straight to Madiwala market to get some fish. I bargained some prices and was able to get somewhat fresh looking two Rohu at 75/- per kg, of total weight around 3.5 kg and and after cutting and cleaning I proceeded straight to my place.

The most complicated and important and part of preparing fish is cleaning and i don't trust anyone so did it myself thoroughly and slowly till all my satisfaction. As i was midway tap water suddenly dried. This was very unusual and as there is 24hrs supply in this apartment and this happened when i require it most. I went down running ground floor but there it water was coming so i went to first floor to check and found out that one tenant was fixing AquaGuard and water would resume in 10 minutes. I finished fish cleaning and enquire friends about their whereabouts. My cook had already come and I told him to cut some radish, cucumber and onion for salad. Besides normal fish fry that i used to had generally this time i wanted to try some different stuff with curd. I prepared some ginger garlic and onion tomato paste in grinder and mixed it with fish and curd and put in my fry pan with some oil and left it on slow heat to get it brown. By this time Anand has arrived. I must say I was very much satisfied by this new recipe and it was excellent by everyone opinion. Ankur was also their by 14:14 and we started having all of items (Exactly 4 types fish items) with some beer and wine. it was excellent and show went on till 5:30 when we finished our lunch with fish curry and rice.

During this discussion we though of watching movie and and Ankur wife enquire about show timing and availability and luckily we were able to book 5 tickets in 5 minutes. This multiplex is just 15 minute drive from my place and we reached there by 6:30 went to ticket counter got this ticket since show timing was at 7:30 and since we were left with some time we went to 'Home Town' exclusive show room for home interiors and furniture. Since didn't have anything to buy i was only concentrating on other customers and behavior. We came back on time entered in the hall......

The movie DEV D... its based on the classical Devadas story in modern context. and i am not going to review it here and write story about it here. the best part of it was the song 'Emotional Atyachaar' and i simply love this song. and first time in Bangalore during course of this song saw crowd whistling and shouting.. I personally enjoyed this movie specially for being different, more practical and bold.. and all of ourselves must had faced those certain moments in our lives where we find ourselves very close to Devdas character. Its different how mush distant we walked exactly...
The movie was over by 10 PM we went to 'Punjabi Tadka' near by restaurant close by theatre and although i was not much hungry. the palace was crowed but we got the table in 5 minutes and the dinner was over by 11 pm Anand dropped me at my place close to midnight..

Thus my (V)day was over I must say it was very exciting and full of fun...

My Soul...

I destroyed myself somewhere...
Along the way I killed my soul...

Now what is left and existed is me..

Willless,

Passionless,

Emotionless,

Senseless,

Ambitionless,

Goalless...

It was not my urge of self destruction
But their path for my construction.

Now they blame me for what I am...

I am pencil chisel now thrown in dustbin
Which they used to sketch on my own soul...

Now in this dark I am waiting to be dumped
In next morning garbage........

In a slum far way
For a new unknown voyage....

They failed to clone me
Now i am not worth their any usage.....

My last quantum of existence
Losing my identity moment by moment....



(©Rakesh Kumar)

Inner Beauty...

If I look stars in the sky
Not far away but they are shy
I see them constantly shining
but when I go near I find then crying

I see a rose in garden from far
As I walk to it the door was ajar
I smell its fragrance in the breeze
When hold it, its thorn make me freeze

As I go deep in ocean blue
I walk alone without any clue
Path is dark, narrow with curl
There I found most precious pearl

Look is not always parameter to judge
Over a period we find beneath it sludge
To get right view and things we strife
We must look inside them to find true picture in life


(© Rakesh Kumar)

Recession...

We used to think our office is sweet
We used to think no one is cheat
we used to think job is going well
We used to thin company has done well
We used to think we are insulated from recession
We used to think we will get good compensation
We used to think our job is secure
We used to think our culture is pure
But now I cant believe it is gone away
You cant believe how it feel today..

Its so funny we don't get hike this year
Its so funny we don't get bonus this year
Its so funny we don't get promotion this year

But I am not losing sleep any more
As it really doesn't matter to me
This has happened to every one here
This was the place once I wanted to be

Its so funny we don't get hike this year
Its so funny we don't get bonus this year
Its so funny we don't get promotion this year

We really worked very hard last year
The deal discussed was very clear
We had to perform well and after release is done
We will be promoted at the end of year

Its so funny we don't get hike this year
Its so funny we don't get bonus this year
Its so funny we don't get promotion this year

After this news I feel frustrated
The passion I put in work will not be compensated
I am feeling very low and heartbroken
My whole year reward has been eaten

Its so funny we don't get hike this year
Its so funny we don't get bonus this year
Its so funny we don't get promotion this year

But this is not the end of road
I hope things will improve very soon
There is always light at the end of tunnel
And every one will again feel on top of the moon

(© Rakesh Kumar)

Only about You..

You--
The distance far... The shining star

You--
The Broken dream... The Life extreme

You--
The desire .. The fire

You--
The madness ... The endless

You--
The passion... The ambition

You--
The courage… The hostage

You--
The dark... The spark

You--
The breath... The death


(© Rakesh Kumar)

Some times I wonder if..........

This poem I wrote to probe those small moment that occures in life and we ignore them..

Some times I wonder what life would have really been like

If I had not ever seen you...
If I had not found my seat shifted opposite to you.
If I had not met you in dance classes.
If I had known the reason why you draw my attention.
If I had spent few more evening conversation with you.
If I had dropped you when u had asked me to drop, though casually.
If I had ever asked you to go out.
If I had replied you honestly when you had asked meaning of those scrap.
If I had your number when we had planned to go party together.
If I had ever met you on outside office either by luck or by chance.
If I had not stopped my conversation with you.
If I had stopped you when you passed behind me on the footpath.
If I had known why I used to seek you around.
If you had not walked to me and said Hello.
If you had ever shared a bit of me you intention.
If you had ever joined me whenever I had invited on breakfast.
If you had ever replied to my scrap whom I wrote staying late in the night.
If you had ever tried to understand meaning behind them yourself.
If you had told me reason behind your behavour.
If you had ever taken my call.
If you had rever eplied to any one of my communication.
If you had ever joined me for tea whenever I invited.
If you had ever called me for any reason.
If you had known that I used to come early just to say hello.
If you had read the lines I wrote for you.
If you had known that I knew more than what had thought.
If you had ever told me that you disliked me....

Answers I seek...

These were the questions asked in Art of living course....

What do I want in life?
What are my botheration?
When will I be happy?
What do I need to be happy?
What do I take as responsibilities?
What do I not take as responsibilities?
When did I come to this planet?
How long do I propose to stay here?
What do I intend to do the time i am here?
Where am I?
What am I?
Who am I ?
What have I done to bring qualities in others life?
What should I do to bring fulfillment with in me?

Art Of Living...

Thanks to my friend Abhishek i happened to join basic course of 'Art of Living' I joined not that i have some sort of problem and i was looking for answers, the way other people go to spiritual gurus but just to gain this experience and see its impact on myself.

I must admit that it was really enriching experience... their teaching will take individual as well as society to new level where every one is happy and contributing to growth of every one. the society transformation where every one is content and treating every one with love and affection...

I learnt Pranayaam and 'Sudarshan kriya'. Their teaching leads us to a new way of living free of all kinds of negative emotions. Also last day i was able to interact with 'Shri Shri Ravishankar' ji.

Few sutras i learnt in their basic course are....

Opposite values are complimentary.
Never seek intentions behind others mistake other wise you will be in tension
Present moment is inevitable.
Accept everyone and everything as they are.
What you resist will persists.
Don't be football of other's opinion.

Expectation reduces the joy
Learn from the past, plan for the future, live in present



Life is enthusiasm, life is joy, life is luv...

Revitalizing an old thread...

She wished me happy new year.. I think it was 2nd day in office in new year. I got a scrap from her wishing me happy new year. I also replied and went to her personally to say hello and wish her new year. I think it was around after 8 month I spoken to her although I used to pass daily beside her... Personally I was always happy about her and felt good talking with her. We used to see each other daily. Why she pulled this old thread again which was buried long ago back, reasons best known to her only. I welcome this positive step from her. Earlier I noticed that she was always uncomfortable interacting with me specially in the presence of others ( though it was not easy for me too), may be she hated me and still hates me. Last time she never responded for any mail , scrap and never picked up my call. I don't know how things will turned out different this time...

2 More to go.....

Sunday I got a call from KV ( see 3 friends blog) that his marriage is fixed and he would be getting married in next 2 month time... I wish him a very happy and successful marriage life with full of luv and affection...

2009: A year of transformation...

I have dedicated the year 2009 as year of personal transformation. This year I will invest my time and resources to transform my self at each and every level.

I have already started in this direction and joined art of living course and also joined dance classes..

Few more things i will do is as below...
I will take each and every opportunities to socialize.
I will learn new skills.
I will take risk and bold steps in all the walks of life every day.
Learn to play some musical instrument
Learn dancing and singing.
I will enhance my technical skills to new levels.
I will take concrete steps and plan to meet my MBA goals.
I will be actively writing poems etc. ( some day I will write a book and make sure it get published it.)

Last but not least I will challenge and question each and everything in my life whether its my feelings, emotions, beliefs, thinking, actions, job, whatever I do, relationship, person and other things i am holding in life and will find out what menaing and value they hold for me in the life.

3 Friends at Lunch

Three friends
Let me introduce them one by one..

KV- Working in HSBC bank, I met him once before in Bangalore, 30+ bachelor,
Gai Chand Murmu- 30 yrs bachelor with GF
Rakesh - Myself, 30 yrs, still bachelor
Place Urban Tadka, C mall, Mumbai

Let me give some background details we all are in age range of 30-32 and probably looking forward to get married in near future and also hunting for the same. On the last date of my mumbai trip (see my previous blog) we went for lunch so we met in C mall in mumbai Urban Tadka restaurant for lunch during the course of the conversation we had discussion about our to be spouses and our experiences in finding girls and kind for girls we encountered and kind of life partner we were looking for, our criteria and scale and parameter specific to each individual . As of now only Murmu has a GF and after this lunch he had to go for movie and I had to go to catch a flight for Bangalore. We all of three decided (with toast) that all of us meet to the same place next year i.e. at the end of 2009 with our spouses if we all get married.
Cheers...

A trip to Mumbai, Alibagh,Kasid, Murud

So landed on mumbai first time on 25th DEC 8:30 am by kingfisher flight, took a cab to thane, where my friend Murmu (Gaichnd Murmu) stays. It has been long time since time i have seen him he used to my batch mate during my engineering days and my partner when i was working in gurgaon. We celebrated our meeting with small glass of wine and some very neatly cooked fish it was very nicely cooked and and well prepared. After some small chat we decided to go some where as sitting at room was useless. So we started to south Mumbai, on the way he picked his GF and we took the local train to CST. I have heard so many thing about mumbai local trains and surely it was a different experience. today being holiday 25th dec crowd was less, in about 40 minutes we reached CST, the same place where terrorist killed around 30 people one month back. The place was full of happening as usual with bit more of scurity. After getting out of station we took a cab and it was a 20 minute drive to Colaba. While walking on the side walk we went pass to cafe Leopold, The same place where terrorist had killed so many people. The place was crowed with foreigners and indians enjoying beers and snacks. After spending some time with few shops and some bargain on road side we proceeded to our ultimate destination i.e. was to get some drinks and we went to cafe Mondegar. After waiting for around 20 minue we finally got our table. place was filled with every sorts of people young, old, girls and the ambience was exciting. We order some beer and snacks. We got up around 11 PM. I wanted to visit Hotel Taj it was small walk but the entries was barricated due to security reasons so we took a cab to Marine Drive. The place was very nice and looking beautiful in the night I let Mumu to enjoy the compnay of his girlfriend and i went for a walk. We came back half past midnight and slept..
Next morning I went to japneet place to meet her, we had worked around 4 years togetther. I felt really good meeting her husband and her cute little daughter i met them after around 3 years. I had really lunch rajma rice with them. I left her place aound 2:30 and went to murmu office took him and we started to Alibagh. We didnt go exactly to alibagh we took turn to a place called Kasid. This place is known for its clean beaches which is less commercialized place as compared to Alibagh and still has been able to keep its natural beauty intact. We landed in to a lodge around 7:30 and after throwing our luggage we went staright to beach it was dark in night and there very few people some people had lit fire on the beach and dancing around. We got some chair from a shopkeeper and ordered some beers, snacks and some cripsy prawns. We stayed there till late midnight chatting and walking around sea shores. We had 5-6 six beer till midnight and prawns were really spicy and good. Walking in the night around sea shore in deep dark was really a thrilling experience.. The hangover was getting more with every step. We went back to lodge around half past midnight after having dinner i crashed on the bed and last thing i remeber was that murmu was busy with his GF on phone.
I got up around 5:30 next morning murmu was still in hangover mood after few punches from him we came out of room and 5:45 it was still very dark so went back in room and after hearing some very nice words from murmu we walked down the beach finally at 6.15 AM. it was 100 mts walk from our lodge it was dark and quiet at beach....and we started walking on sand by waves side clicking snaps of each other and started moving to other extrem side. It was nice walk...Slowly sun started coming and whole atmoshphere was really very thilling and exciting filled with wonderful calmness. This beach is less commercialized and and sand is white and very clean we started walking to other end of shore which was arond 4-5 kms away on the way we kept on collecting stones taking snaps walking on the salty water. We took 10 min break as sun came out fully and and some hut shops were started opening we had tea biscuit and coconut water we again started moving towards end of the beach which has sleepery rocky mountains and it was mumru desire to climb on those rocks.
Finally we reached to rocke it was wet and slippery besde there was deep sea water roarling looks like he was keen in swallowing us. i advised mumu to take care and put his feet frimly. i went for small walk on those rocky surfaces Murmu was more busy in exploring those rocks and seemed to be more adventurous i was bit worried. We had some photo shoot session and started back our journey. it was now 8:30 and sun was bright and sea was green looking very beautiful. many people and speciallly lovers were now seen on the beach roaming holding each other hands and we two buggers roaming on such a romantic weather without any female. Murmu was still better as has was occasionaly calling his GF and giving regular status update. We were occasionaly collecting some stones and sea shells. finally i could not resist my temptation and told murmu that i want to go in to water even though we were not having towel and changing cloths meanwhile i realized that its time to show my creativity and i should make some sand sculpture i tried to make some fort type sculpture but it become some Shivling. First time i ever entered in sea on indian land. even before this i landed in arabaian sea that was in doha, here again the sea was same but it was on the other side. after doing half hour of masti and jumping and some swimming race with mumru, i dont know who was the ultimate winner, we came out and proceeded straight to our lodge. There i took shower changed my self and also i made call to my home this place was without airtlel signal and it seem that it was big issue at home. Any way we proceded to mulund 20 kms away place from Kasid Murud. this place is know for its beaches and i janzeera surrounded by sea and it 5 km inside sea. On reach there we had breakfats and Murmu was very upset with reason known to him only... finally we went place where we need to hire boat which takes use to jazeera we took the ticket mumru also bought few hats one cowboy type for himself and other for his girlfriend. We took the ticket and waiting for few minutes in queue we landed in boat. Regular boats are run by murud zila panchayat also its one of the oldest zila panchayt in india the ride to boat was bit scary wit some bump but overall it was smooth and safer as compared to my other boat journey. Finaly we landed in into zanzeer which which has very small gate and only you can see that once you reach very close to zanzeera. it was said to be built in year 1130 and said ot have underground pass benieth sea sruface to bank of sea. although this is under UN conservation its condtion was pathetic lot if garbage was lying here and there platics bottles etc. it has got inside 2 sweet water reservior it has also all the types rooms required during those days for the full amusement of kings. the veiw from zanzeer walls were fnatastics and once you reach to the top tower you can have all the surrounding view of the sea and feel like being top of the world. We landed in restaurent for lunch in after noon, lunch was over and we had to wait for snacks. The other side of restaurent opens in murud beach so we went there for walk and sunset. The beach was muddy and dark and sand was mixture of soil. I was tempting to go in sea again but resited and just walked few kms on the beach. the sun set was beautiful and marvellous. We had some photos and started back to mumbai around 6:30.PM. While coming back we had tea at the kasid beach and dinner on the way in the night on the highway we landed in thane midnight and crashed to bed.

SX4- Men Are Back

Long time have past since I have written anything.. So many things have past I was lost among them. the most important among them was I brought my CAR. the first car in my fami.ly. Yes finally I was able to do that. 3 month later when this idea was initially born. I took driving classes. I went almost every weekend to dealers running, took so many dealers call and so many vehicle I tested and finally which vehicle I should buy. Ironically I never mentioned this on my blog. after so much manipulation discussion with many guys people and so many negotiation I was able to book car on 24Th of September which finally delivered on 14Th Oct. during whole process starting from learning my driving skills to all all my queries about leaning ABCs of automobile to the delivery and learning proper driving and getting used to the car, one person support was truly amazing and I thanks Jai for being always there.

I still have still not sank to that moment. but yes it was great excitement and really big moment for my family and for my parent and they were really excited about it unfortunately they could not make it to delivery date and still they have to see it physically. Only they can realize how big was the occasion. I was excited but of more of the tense about handling it may be it will few more days to truly enjoy the vehicle.

Other things that happened was that I have to move to new place and one reason for not writing was i was running here and there to all surrounding locality looking for house with inside car parking. and it was hell lot experience. finally able to get somewhat OK place to shift. it was difficult leaving my old place where I was staying since last 3+ years the reason for shifting was my owner wanted the house and also my room partner was moving out of India for new job. The way Sunil reacted in last one month of his stay was unfortunate and I wished he could had behaved with more maturity and sensibility after all I was staying with him since last 3.5 year an d know him since last 9 years. I wished he could had been more sensible and had a open dialog with me, any way i wish him goodluck for future and success in life.

One year gone by....

This poem i wrote on completion of 1 yrs in my present job...

One year is going soon by
With some moments to remember and some lost

People that has come and gone made me acquainted
With many ways that I found best

The bouquets of memories I have crossed
Each new day in the mood of a challenging high

Every Milestones I crossed now seems
As natural a stone upon hills

As emotions settle in the game mind plays
Few wonderful occasions I thought were gone

Few path ahead were not straight and narrow
but i continue life with promise of tomorrow...

(© Rakesh Kumar)

Rambling thoughts...

I have to say, I was just fine without talking to you watching you at a distance , I had never had walked to you if you had not come to me to say Hello (hell). But you dragged me and I can never understand why. You start, and do not follow through. You spark the fire, and leave me to fan it. But now my turn is long since over. It is yours.

If there were some reason for your less than enthusiastic behaviour, I would like to think that you could be honest with me, but you only deny the feelings which constantly bother me. Which makes it worse. Who knows what drives you ? or what goes on inside your head, because you will not tell me in anyway or you worth consider me, neither do i care to ask you. I almost succeed in refusing to let this bother me. Almost....Maybe your definition of things differs vastly from mine.

For Jai only...

This poem i wrote for my friend Jai with whom i have developed a special bonding in very short amount of time and i promised him to write a poem for him.

Dedicated to Jai... Jai you are really special... and one of gem in my life.

Will you share your wildest dream
Which you even think impossible to realize
When life is broken and your spirit dies
You are standing where reality fades
Surrounded by difficulties you feel invade
When you try to walk but your feet don't move
None of your effort see any improve
You see a day when your past get blurred
The song you loved singing but forget the word
You reached to moments where you lost you sense
Unable to find reason to judge between truth and false..

I will be there in your deepest desire
In the last ray of your dying fire
You will see me standing not even today
But where your dreams fade away....

(C) Rakesh kumar

Me.....

So you believe it is final blow
And i have no escape to defeat..


I agree that i have nothing left in me
But i don't require any courtesy


I have been crushed and pieces are crumbling
Scattered figments of my quantum being


You think my existence is finished
Falling astray in time will vanished


Yes, there is nothing left for imagination
My end is here without further occupation


But you don't know that i have the resolve
For every difficulty courage to solve


Sure, I have been trounced by every indiscretion
But my spirit is still not weaken


Certainly I will reach to my distant abode
Ultimately all of troubles will be swallowed

(© Rakesh Kumar)

Butterfly..

I always try to reach my best
Sometimes i do fail in this quest.
This feeling may soon die in my chest..

I always cry but don't shed tears
Any way I am the only one who cares

I still feel pain which stops my heart beat
The day i stopped our beautiful meet.

I don't complain when you always refused me
You even didn't consider me worth to share a coffee.

You were a butterfly happily going around
But I could sense your inside deep wound

You could easily be my sweetheart
We had none and now we are fated apart

Life is difficult and now looks bleak
Fighting this battle I find myself weak

Now destiny will take it own course
I did best whatever i could do but no remorse


(© Rakesh Kumar)

Life as a single.....

"Where is your family" asked my HR lady as I was standing at lift door to get down from 6th floor.

It was an office family day party and I was at lift door waiting to get down to ground floor.
I felt embarrassed and I simply replied "I am still a bachelor."
She looked at me surprise with expression that some one had refused joining offer one day before joining date. It was obvious as 2 month back I was interacting with her regularly and she was aware that I have 8 yrs of industry experience and still a bachelor.
She said “Meet my daughter" pointing to a cute kid standing with her. I extended my hand to kid and said "Hi". Still lift had not come to 6th floor and thing was getting difficult to me.
"Get married soon" said HR.
"Yes, I am also thinking that time has come" I replied.
Finally lift arrived and ended my torture, I decided to take stairs.

I am 29 years old (still) a bachelor. Life in a strange city especially for a bachelor not living with parent is tough especially for male. Not many people will realize this.

"When are you going get married"? This question I started getting slowly and now more often around 6 years back from all walks of my life friends, colleagues. relatives etc.

4 years back I was staying in a society Apartments in Gurgaon with my friend who was working in Hero Honda. Most of people in neighborhood apartments were either couples or staying with their families.

Before I continue let me explain that I belong to normal middle class family and my parent instill decent Indian family values to me. Whenever we used to seat in society park people used to look us strangely like we are some kind of thief specially those who were with their wives. I think they were either too insecure or did not have trust on their wives. I was not there to steal their wives neither did I was interested in a married women. One day while I was walking there one couple was sitting in car with light switch on when we passed beside car his wife took a glance on us and we too looked at her. Seeing this husband switched off car light. I felt really insulted obviously he had a bad perception about our character.

In my previous company I came to know when I joined there that the person who had interviewed me had told to his team mates that he had interviewed a person with few kids. I don’t why he had such perception. I am slim, fit and healthy. He must have derived his conclusion from my years of professional experience.

As bachelor I have to face and struggle different sorts of problem at different walks of life.
"Sir, these people are bachelor." told my house agent to owner of the house. I was searching a house in Bangalore and after 2 weeks of running I found one good.
"I don’t want to rent it to bachelor" said house owner bluntly.

I insisted and asked "Why sir", we are decent guys working in reputed company and don’t have any bad habit even I don't drink. But he refused. We had settled for some other house.

"Rakesh, when are you going to get married.” asked my product manager one morning in office when I passed by him.
"I don’t know yet" I replied.
He advised me to get married soon else I would lose interest and it would be difficult for me to adjust.

It was not a first time my bachelor status was questioned. Many project meetings have been centered on my bachelor discussion only. I really wondered is being bachelor or single, crime or people cant see others being single or happy.

Whenever my all married friends meet their wife would say "Rakesh, get married soon", When will you get married." all sorts of enquiries. Also they have stopped calling me to their gathering and I too feel uncomfortable as every one will come with their wife and what will do in that gathering alone. Also the character assassination u will realize only when all your friends’ wife will call you Bhiya.

It seems that my friends don’t trust my character at all.

Because of these social embarrassments I stopped visiting to married friends or any social gathering where couples are invited. Even in office my colleagues complain that I staying in office not because of my passion dedication or responsibilities of my work but because of I am a bachelor and I don’t want to go at room or don’t have any place to go. What is hell should I say to these morons.

Is being bachelor is crime? I think in Indian society there is no place for single or bachelor. An unmarried person is always discriminated here and there. As a bachelor u will always be overloaded with work in office people will talk behind you giving various reasons about not getting you married. You feel isolated in social gathering. There is no place for singles in Indian society.

One obvious discrimination is that there is channel for kids, there is channel of old there is channel for couples but there is no channel for adult’s bachelor and I still keeps on browsing channel without purpose looking for the adult program.

"I want you to get married in next 3-4 month" told my father when I was at home during Holy vacation.
"But it’s too early and I am not financially equipped to bear the burden and cost at this stage". I don’t know anything.” said my father.
Meanwhile my mother came with some girls proposals. I felt shy and uncomfortable looking at them.
"What about this one" asked my mother?
I expressed some concern. But they did not listened or tried to understand.
The plot was ready for big parliament debate which was scheduled in the evening when my uncle also joined us as speaker.

"What is problem with this profile" asked my father.
"No problem, these are only my area of concern. Please look in to this. You people go ahead with it get them clarify. Once you are OK I will talk with her and let you know." I said.
"Let me know what question you will ask" asked my father. I kept silent.

Now I even don’t what I am going to ask and what I am looking in a person I am not buying a product that I am aware about features but I should be know and understand other persons concern. Now a day girls have more concern and marriage is anything but commitment.

"You don’t understand what kind person you should marry, do what we say and get married." this was a bouncer from my uncle.

My uncle is understanding type and I am more open in discussion with him than my father. I have spent lot of time discussion and playing various things with him.
He continued, "You only know office work and lacks understand in other front of life. You got your mind poisoned working in that environment. This generation is spoiled" he added.
I said nothing.

"If you have any one in your life lets us know or any one you are interested in" my mother intervened.
"I don’t go office for romancing. I go for work." I replied politely.
"Go and meet these offers once your Ok I will move ahead" I added just to finish this debate also because discussion was getting heated and I started raising my voice which I was feeling bad. Frankly speaking I did not like any one out of this photograph as I have already glanced them when my uncle was looking at them.

“I know this girl and you can't refuse if you’re going to meet her." said my brother.

He was pointing to one snap he had already met that girl in Allahabad and that was distant relative of my Mama Ji. Why can’t I say no if something I find difficult to accept or she has any issue. It was out of my understanding and all logic failed against this statement. Also my father was insisting as he was finding it difficult to refuse this proposal as it came from my Mama Ji side. What they did not understand that I have just put concern and they all were discussing it without getting it clarified with concern parties. Also in this matter I am bit traditional type and don’t want disappoint people who are around me. I want them to carry this task giving weightage to my criteria.

"Why don’t you find a girl in Bangalore and let us know. Or search by yourself. I can’t go out looking girl for you. I am answerable to society. I can’t refuse so many people coming to this house. Choose any one out of these." declared my father.

One session of parliament was over after 4 hours of discussion. And coalition between left and congress was about to break over this nuclear deal issue I was finding it difficult to handle.

Few months passed and discussion continued over phone mainly... my parent and my uncle were visiting Bangalore.

"This house is big but we need some one to stay here. It looks empty" said my aunty as soon as she entered in house.

They came after 38 hours of train journey. Obviously she was referring to my bachelor status and wanted me to get married soon. I just smiled.
So the team that is looking a girl for me consists 4 main members. My uncle aunty and my parent. My uncle being leader of the team. Besides that there is other side member and I understand that they know more than me about what kind of girl should I marry.
"You go and meet this girl with your mother and aunty. She is in Bangalore and we will fix and appointment tomorrow." ordered my father one night after dinner.

My father was telling about a profile which already sent to me before they came here and I didn't like that at all. I have already conveyed that to my family member even though they were still insisting. I was wondering what was purpose of sending me photograph when my opinion was not be considered.
I refused to go. Obliviously it was more than a deadlock situation between left and congress which I understood was not abt principles but abt not understanding needs of each other and showing flexibility to understand each other.

Finally I agreed to go.

My mother and aunty came disappointed next day.

"Aunty, Get Rakesh married" said my friend wife whom I have invited to lunch at my room... its understandable that once some once get married he want
every one else also to get married soon. Why should only few people get punishment?

"So what’s update in your life" asked my friend wife she out of station for 3 weeks, came back 2 days back.
I said "Nothing its same as usual story”.
It was obvious that she was referring to my single status whether I have made any progress in my search of girl or not.

The search is still on and I see a new mail in mailbox with subject "Photo and profile" from my bother. I expect one more debate this evening over phone.

Imagination

This poem I wrote for some one i have not met or seen.......

I guess I have a friend not so far
Not in dreams and not in reality
Although she exist but only in my imagination

With her some time I forget future and past
Forever and ever will this happiness last?
I wonder how long this good time will last
Before we realize one of us would be gone

Place is not far way and only for sometime
If we meet, will it be such a crime..
Wish she would known that in times to come
That she took very long to see sun

What could I do to erase the distance
Should I try harder with persistence.

No purpose for her trying hard to hold
As she has one life to enjoy
Wish she open herself
To thing life offer and be bold.

Time will go and people will go
Then we realize value of thing so.

Come on!! Don’t feel stopped by ego.
So that few years after past will not echo..
May be we will move on in years to come
But we won't be upset for things not done.

(Copyrights Rakesh Kumar)

Search Of Truth..

In search of truth I have come very far ..
I have discovered so many
So many truths I discovered


Few old, few new
Few black, few white...
Few mine, few others
Few virtual, few real
Few hidden, few obvious whom every body ignored

Few were stranger and few ruled my heart.
Few confused and few clear
Few written and few spoken
Few cold and few hot.
Few were reason and few were excuses.

Few tempted me, few excited me
Few loved me, few hated me
Few scared me, few doubted me
Few build me, few broke me

In search of truth I have come very far
I have discovered so many
So many truths I discovered

Few laying everywhere and few standing tall
Few low and few high that difficult to reach
Few as bright to make you blind
Few dark that could not be watched
Few were clean and few were dirty

All were truth, few told and few untold.....

In search of truth I have come very far
I discovered so many
So many truths I discovered....

But you were like a distant star..
Like an asteroid so far away in space
Like a rose fragrance, like a flowing river
Like an early morning dew, like hard as rock
Like a burning candle fighting with wind..

You were not a creation of God
You were born in my tears melting day by day
You grown in my blood, flown in my veins
You lived in my every imagination
You were in my every experience,
You lived in every moment I lived
You were part of my last rites
You burnt with me in my funeral pyre....

And I found you again in the ashes left behind

In search of truth I have come very far
I discovered so many
So many truths I discovered..

But I found only one...

Emotion vs Logic = Generation gap

Recently my parent visited my place after long time first time in 8 yrs. and this was first in those many years. I was able to spend so much time with them otherwise it was just hello, Hi on phone. During the course of their stay there was some heated discussion and different of opinion with me came. I never had such kind of discussion before that. Earlier I used to express my feeling but I never forced them to follow that and mostly it was ignored I didn't cared as it did not effected much to me. During the discussion I realized few things that our difference in argument was not because of my different way of thinking or bcoz of generation gap what people call now a days it difference of emotional and logical thinking. E.g. if my father says that choose occupation for your career he evaluates things based on his experience and facts. e.g. if he says stays near to your home town he means its easy to travel and even in 1-2 days leave I can go home or look for stability and money where I don’t need to work much, if he says to marry a particular goal he means this girls is best suited to my family he is well be caring and good in nature and belong to a good family and she will make a good pair and beautiful of course. All this conclusion is based on practical and logical facts considering the environment we are living. During all these analysis one important things is missing and ignored is that matter of my heart, my own emotions and feeling. Suppose I choose a company or job most of time my concern is about my interest if its able to meet my goal and about my dreams the things I want to do it has nothing to do with being close to home, money or work load or stability job etc. e.g. when I want to marry a particular girl it has nothing to do with his family background or social status or how much she cares or look or is she adjusting to my family or not, it has to do with a person for whom I feel, I want to spent time and for a person who understand my emotions and feelings. You don’t feel for every person in life always. Important things in life to understand your emotions and feeling which only a person himself can understand not any one else. That’s a reason that when ever I take some major decision I discuss with others to see other side of wall but I decides sitting alone understanding my own feelings. I don’t expect others to understand the way feel neither do I want them to blame if any thing goes wrong in future. The difference between youth and old will remain as long the difference between emotion and logical thinking remains. It’s different between heart and mind. Young one most of time follow theirs heart. While old one respect their experience and want to go by them. It’s very difficult to bridge this gap.....

Few hours back...

This poem I wrote bcoz of experience i had few hours back...
and its incomplete and not in final shape..
It was a beautiful Sunday evening
Just got down from an auto ride
Standing on road side, I saw a familiar smile...

I saw her coming down on my side, almost cried
It was a dream of my wildest imagination
The feeling which could never be described...

Distance was small and she crossed in moment
Before I could realize she passed by my side
Could not stop her, my actions were absent...

So close that I could sense her breathing
Just coincident or destiny ways of explaining
Close enough that I could touch her shoulder
I wished those moments to get more bigger...

I was not expecting her to see again
She always feels to me like a old friend
Now I see her walking away farther
Standing, suffering with pain of my heart's blister...

I can not handle any more this stand
Her silence is burning me all
Why she will not ever held my hand
I have been waiting since so long...

Weakest as ever no more any stronger
Life will be difficult without her smile and laughter...

Fugac

This poem I wrote when i was trying to collect my memory figments for past few weeks on a Sunday morning. Its just a seq. of events I have put in few lines...


Floating in the figments of my imagination
i was fighting a battle to become champion


I was in the deserts where i saw a distant rose blossomed
i thought it as ray of hope in the stormed that loomed

My lonely journey to goal was distracted
She smiled at me and my heart reacted


I found a rose which used make day shine
I seeded a plant to see its yield


it started in the month of Jan
i tried my best what ever i can


I went to her as a human, like some one other
it was not in my intention to treat her as lover


i opened my self and never tried to pretend
i found heart racing and nerve bends


i talked little more but voice was soft
I wondered, was it a beginning of a new draft..


I ignored facts, didn't consider
Fake smile can be such a blunder


My way of life was astray
I was wandering looking for a ray


i was not having courage to be bold
but my feeling was not meant to be sold.


smile on her lips and disdain in her eyes
i was not meant to be treated in disguise


Now how can i run from myself i wonder
although i went through many rain and thunder


i was searching what this feeling stored for me?
she never tried to look and see..


Keep on looking world through troubled eye
She treated me like dirt but i won't cry


Perhaps she will get lost in the sea of faces
A journey left incomplete in life's hazes


Now my life seems different, brighter and whole
No purpose in slipping sand trying hard to hold


Its not my habit ask question why?
She will fade way from memory before she realize....