Saturday, September 16, 2006


It has been long time since I written anything. Well one month is not a long period to consider. Its not about passing no of days but situation u face in life defines whether a period is long or short. Few days back I read a few pages from "My experience with truth". Most of the time in life we have to deal our own insecurities and fear they are not originated from any external source rather than they originate from your inside. The greatest fear you face in life is originated from our own inside and it does not comes from any external sources. We are always fighting to deal with that. Some time are able to control them and some times they control us.

Some time back a word strike to me "perverseness" the meaning of this word is to willfully and with determination go for what is desired. I don't know how its is different and how its is true. There are really two type of tragedy we face in life one is to follow our heart and other is not to follow our heart. Its better to follow any one out of these and I am sure the experience we face will mature us but don't be in between of these two.

Now a days every one is facing a different kind of burden. Its not a physical weight on some one shoulder but emotional burden, The burden of fulfilling others expectation, and I see it a major reason behind all the problem of man. It destroys a human in two ways if a person fails in this it hurts his self esteem fills bitterness and if the person succeeded its boost his egos both are dangerous situation. This reason why love is disappearing and hate is prevailing. Because love comes with freedom but person is captive with these so many expectation and he is unable to live a usual live, his whole positive energy converts in negative one which comes out inform of hate and anger.

Not much have change in life besides passing few month and wasting few days... Wasting time is important part of life. What is there to do in so many years to come besides fulfilling others expectation e.g social commitments and expectation. What is there to live in life if its not our own.........

Few days back I happens to see my old mails(4-5 years back).. I went through some reading. I read among those few close to my heart I had written during that period. I was shocked....How my feeling my beliefs and my thinking has changed in last 4 years. The feeling I had while writing those mails, were different and when I read them today its seems to be childish, foolish or sweet. I don't know what words describes them. Today I am in more light or in more darkness I don't know. I realized that beauty about first love is that u think things will go like this forever. And these feeling would continue forever... You grow in life but u will never have that feeling again for anything else. U will not feel like this again in your life. May be u have learned by mistake but no way u can compare 1st to 2nd.

Some times I feel that I am always attracted to crisis. I need something to bang my head. For me its better to feel pain rather not having any felling at all. I feel my self most alive and most myself in these life and death situations. People may think this is a self destructive urge in side me but its basically my way of being passionately and intensely involve in things. I love running fast....

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