Phoenix

I must admit that last one and half month has been toughest period of my life specially last two week. This is really a crisis time for me. I never imagined that i would be in such as situation. Even today i am not sure things will get better or worst in coming days. I don't know whether i am taking these problem too seriously rather i am reacting too seriously to this problem. Well i am not regretting any of action i took it was best what i could do considering situation and people around me. it may be i could not control things to the extent i should have been. What ever has to happen already happened there is nothing i can do about but i must admit that there are type of people who are more interested in making people life miserable enjoys most in putting others in most uncomfortable positions. I must learn to deal with such kind of people.

All the right reasons

Well you can dig me up a grave
And try and stick me in the ground
Well you can tie me to the bed
And try and beat me half to death
But you can never keep me down
Well you can stick me in a hole
And you can pray all day for rain
You can shoot me in the leg
Just to try to make me beg
And you can leave me there for days
And I'll stay alive
Just to follow you home
And I will survive.......

I have not written anything since last few month around 80 days. Here i will be looking back to those 80 days where i busy and what i was doing and why i could not get time to write few lines. Frankly speaking i was fighting with some bullshit stuffs in life. e.g. some body had stolen my water meter and i had to run to fix that. i was a hell like experience for me. Getting thing done in any government offices in India is like asking elephant to run hundred meter race. so this office was BWSSB. Bangalore water supply and sewage board. just for fixing Rs.700 meter i had to spend 3 working days, additional Rs 1000 and 2 month. These bastard made me run here and there and they did every thing to make my life miserable. I was like a uneducated person in their office running here and there. we are talking abt taking this country to 21st century and superpower how a common person can get a thing done in any govt. office. Your are most luckiest person if things get done on time without paying any extra bucks in any Indian govt office. We human specially Indian will be considered as most corrupt society ever lived on this planet.
I was also busy in study and other stuffs in life. its not i wasted last 80 days here and there but yes there was time of growth and excitement and also there was time when i was low. there was time when i was fighting with some miserable creature on this earth.
I went through new book by Paulo Coelho, "The Witch of portobello" i have still not finished it. It is a story of girl and different people perception and experience who came in conatct with her. I also brought few more books but mostly during these days i was busy with professional stuffs.
Its has been long time since I visited my home and or seen any of my family member exactly 8 month today. i was hoping to visit in near future but my whole plan has gone wasted because of some miserable creatures.
I don't know today i am feeling more relaxed content and enjoying stuff listening music after such a long time. i know that coming few days are going to be tough.
Few more lines......
From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
confusing stars with satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day, when nobody died
And I'm singing
A, Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise would show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive (I'm alive)
Singing A, Amen, I, I'm alive
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day, when nobody died

Decision...

Not written any thing since long time. May be so many things are passing through my mind. one good things about writing is that there must be something concrete in your mind if u want to put it down on paper. If you are not clear u can not write. Try to do it it will not make any sense to any one.
So this is the case currently with me. i am little bit confused and aimless not clear about things in life and just passing day by day. may be i am looking for my next goal or in the process of decision making. Some time u need to face such kind of situation in life it really helps to get hell out of you. some time when u want some thing u get that things not in the for u once imagined so what u are going to do. neither u accept nor u refuse it. its really going to make you insane. i have been really in such kind of situation earlier also and again the same things is before me try to make my life hell. The problem with such things that u always dreamed of such things but it has come in the form that is really not acceptable to you. Now this fight between your dreams and reality. Dreams are closed to your heart and reality is close to your mind what u are going to chose. Not an easy choice to make. Now these kind of decision make you as person what society calls now a days rational, emotional or heartless. These are terms given by society and i really don't bother about it. Some time i really feel why such situations are coming again and again before me why things that i always wanted are coming in the form that is really difficult to accept. These situation are poisoning me slowly. Things for whom once i was really desperate i am not accepting and they are not easy set of choices i am going through...

Seriousness and success

Since seriousness is not guarantee of success why should we remain serious or behave like that we are doing something serious. Life should be filled of fun if there is no fun there is no meaning of living life.
so always laugh have fun whatever u do............

Recently i have few things in mind but i don't where those thoughts have been disappeared.. i am unable to find words or may....

Last week i saw the movie in the pursuit of happy(i)ness. its was a good inspiring movie. ultimately it gives u message that happiness is something u can not hold on and u should always running behind it that's the way u feel satisfied and happy. u will never be able to reach to a point where u would say that u are happy bcoz thats end. So u should always pursue for happiness.

The Speaking Mind.....

Why blogging is so popular let me tell u some truth. In this society people are suppressed by many things and many ways. There are so many bounding and condition don't do this do, do that or do this. People are not natural now a days. Society is suppressing individual in many ways and finding innovative wyas to do that. We are unable to speak naturally or express naturally or behave naturally. Where are natural people. Atleast by blogging we can express our natural feeling. The feeling that nobody is aware of and we are not scared of expressing it. So its a medium of expression. Let's express our feeling freely at least.
OK... Enough talk some facts............

I went home few week back in my elder brother marriage. Lots of relative were there. Few of them i have seen after long time. Then some thing happened after marriage that had stopped me to think. I don know whether this custom is still being followed in any part of world or not its still in eastern UP village. What happens that whenever some close family member were about to depart specially with ladies like mother daughter or any close relative specially ladies etc. They will hug each other and start weeping and crying. I could not understand when i was child this phenomenon that why my mother start weeping when ever she left he mother home even though it was a 50 km distance and they could meet or talk whenever they want. There was nothing such as they would meet after such a long time. I wondered that 10 min back they were so happy and when we had to come back they started weeping without any reason. Some one can shed tears like that. I have understand it now as its way to express their gratitude, respect and pain of separtaion, and clean their heart with any negative emotions if they have any. Tears is the greatest leveller and ultimate emotions that person can have, and only strong people can show this emotion to society, The only people who are true by heart. Some time i think why people are so sick now a days bcoz they are unable to show their truest emotions tears. I think every body whenever they want should not suppressed their tears. those people who shows tears hardly gets angry, bcoz they don't have any negative emotions inside them and they more helathy than others. The society which show tears does not have any insane and does not requires any psychiatrist.

What is purpose of life can any one tell me. Do i need to earn name, fame or to help others or what? Nothing is making sense to me. what is ultimate goal of life and why i am living a life for what.
Today i read a realistic article in newspaper. It was about younger generation going to prostitute for fulfilling theirs desires and even paying for getting love. There is logic behind that althiugh i am not personallly recommending but lets don't be hypocrite. Boys always run to prettiest girl and girl always go for boys who is good looking or have rich dad or lots of money to spend. So why the hell we are bringing love in this stuff. It was not the case in any way. Even though if they get married why the hell i should say they love each other or not they fullfilling anything but love and which was never the case from beginning to end. Most of time girls always complain to boys that we don't understand them what is hell that they do understand our need. So what is the hell if men are going to get what they want in simple and straight way.

I don't know what love is but its important to be natural be creative and feel free in any kind of relationship. If u are in a situation in which u miss any of these thing u are not going to be in that for long. I am sure.....
Our mind have two part one that analytical portion and one that artistic portion and if we suppress our artistic portion.. we will become a robot. This mind is reason behind all kind of growth.
There are few thing in my mind.. i want do some stuff. Marriage is also among them but some thime i thnk is its too important for me.

Cooking or running is greatest stress buster for me. I like cooking very much. It give me ultimate pleasure. Even after 15 hours of work in office I come at room does not find food i cook without any complain.

Some observation.....

Recenlty i went home in my brother marriage and had few observation.
First time realised my parent are getting older. My father has grown up from no where. He gave best what he could provide me and my elder brother with in his own limitation and with best intentions and had earned great social circle and respect without having any monetary accomplishment. what he achieved i still consider is great considering circumstances. I still believe what he had done is far better than what i had done in current circumstances. in a way he carried further that what i had realized. Up till now I have seen him very calm and energetic through day and night when ever some one calls him for any help. i found him never worried. Even he still use to play hockey and football at this age. but this time saw that he is not in his usual being, loosing temper in even smallest matter may be he is unable to handle so many things now, perhaps age is taking over him. its ver hard for me to see him in such situation. We grow up admiring some one through all our life an some day we see the person is not the same. Its hard to handle when u see your hero's falling before your eyes. I wish he could play with me football once again with me as goalkeeper and he as a fullback.

Since last 12 years i am living away with my parents for study and job. i visit generally in festival or in vacation and generally twice or thrice in year so. During all these years my parents visited one to my place. I call them twice thrice during week. so they have very little idea what i basically do in my job even then dont know which company i recently joined and address where i live. what i want to do and what my feelings are. i went through my moments of pain and pleasure without sharing any of my feeling with them. Even today when i call them i am unable to express my feeling but they understand it without i speak a single word but not fully although they ask but i am unable to express it.
Recently they talk me about my marriage i could not express my honest feeling and they could not explore it further with me. I must agree that i never interfere in what they do. i don't know if it was good or bad but i must agree he has his own style of working and taking things in its own way. and i don't want to interfere in that.

Notes(Post-it) you will find on my bedside wall...

My bed is always half filled by my books ever since I remember studying. But recently I realized that my bed side wall is also getting filled with Post-it notes which i started using around 1 year back. Following are comments you will find on those post-it note sticker.

1. Do not use anger because of your own emotions.
If you are inconsistent in your feeling you will lose your dignity.
When people are desperate they will fight to the death.
Every matter require prior knowledge.

2. Criticize-> resentment.
We should evaluate the value of things we are currently holding and determine if they still means to us.

3. Take a risk a day.
Every day we should do something which we don't know. So that we can learn it.
I get the thing only when I try too hard. So try too hard.

3. Ability to remain calm in the face of unexpected and comfortable with ambiguity.
What worked in past is not always assume for future.
Preparation, Incubation, Illumination, Execution.

4. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointing for the things you did not do than by the one you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail off from safe harbor. catch the trade winds in your sails.

5. Persistence in seeking goals without obstacles and setback.
Listen, feel, sense, Look in to their eyes get a gut sense what they want.

6. Life always give us second chance.
Battle that go on longer than necessary end up destroying enthusiasm necessary for later recreation.

7. What is now proved is once only imagined.

8. You are worth much than you think.
Your work and presence on this earth are important even though you may not believe it.
Continue to live without fear and you will triumph in end.

9. There are no easy choices, easy choices are long gone.

We are basically product of environment. These are things that make us. Its true in sense in every aspects. Its opposite of what it should be. Our environment should be by product of us not we. Our environment decide how are growing how are behaving or how we are developing.

When i am going to get married.
This question is being asked to me more frequently now a days by everyone. Frankly i don't know yes physically people thinks that may be its proper age and may i am financially little bit prepare too. but is it enough to get married and these are only two main criteria to enter in this institution. may be by a average attitude its seems to OK. but what about other things. first thin why i should enter in this institution. jut for getting sexual gratification or too satisfy my physical needs. or do i need a companion to pass time and share thing. i am not interested in having a companion and or neither do i am suffering with loneliness. i have enough things to do i in life and i fully enjoy being alone. I am not interested in keeping someone close to me and let her feel he or she does not have any important in my life. How can i spent whole life with some one just by talking with her ten minutes. Honestly speaking i also have problem with commitment and and having trust on others and most of all i don't want give key to my happiness in some else hands.