Rambling thoughts...

I have to say, I was just fine without talking to you watching you at a distance , I had never had walked to you if you had not come to me to say Hello (hell). But you dragged me and I can never understand why. You start, and do not follow through. You spark the fire, and leave me to fan it. But now my turn is long since over. It is yours.

If there were some reason for your less than enthusiastic behaviour, I would like to think that you could be honest with me, but you only deny the feelings which constantly bother me. Which makes it worse. Who knows what drives you ? or what goes on inside your head, because you will not tell me in anyway or you worth consider me, neither do i care to ask you. I almost succeed in refusing to let this bother me. Almost....Maybe your definition of things differs vastly from mine.

For Jai only...

This poem i wrote for my friend Jai with whom i have developed a special bonding in very short amount of time and i promised him to write a poem for him.

Dedicated to Jai... Jai you are really special... and one of gem in my life.

Will you share your wildest dream
Which you even think impossible to realize
When life is broken and your spirit dies
You are standing where reality fades
Surrounded by difficulties you feel invade
When you try to walk but your feet don't move
None of your effort see any improve
You see a day when your past get blurred
The song you loved singing but forget the word
You reached to moments where you lost you sense
Unable to find reason to judge between truth and false..

I will be there in your deepest desire
In the last ray of your dying fire
You will see me standing not even today
But where your dreams fade away....

(C) Rakesh kumar

Me.....

So you believe it is final blow
And i have no escape to defeat..


I agree that i have nothing left in me
But i don't require any courtesy


I have been crushed and pieces are crumbling
Scattered figments of my quantum being


You think my existence is finished
Falling astray in time will vanished


Yes, there is nothing left for imagination
My end is here without further occupation


But you don't know that i have the resolve
For every difficulty courage to solve


Sure, I have been trounced by every indiscretion
But my spirit is still not weaken


Certainly I will reach to my distant abode
Ultimately all of troubles will be swallowed

(© Rakesh Kumar)

Butterfly..

I always try to reach my best
Sometimes i do fail in this quest.
This feeling may soon die in my chest..

I always cry but don't shed tears
Any way I am the only one who cares

I still feel pain which stops my heart beat
The day i stopped our beautiful meet.

I don't complain when you always refused me
You even didn't consider me worth to share a coffee.

You were a butterfly happily going around
But I could sense your inside deep wound

You could easily be my sweetheart
We had none and now we are fated apart

Life is difficult and now looks bleak
Fighting this battle I find myself weak

Now destiny will take it own course
I did best whatever i could do but no remorse


(© Rakesh Kumar)

Life as a single.....

"Where is your family" asked my HR lady as I was standing at lift door to get down from 6th floor.

It was an office family day party and I was at lift door waiting to get down to ground floor.
I felt embarrassed and I simply replied "I am still a bachelor."
She looked at me surprise with expression that some one had refused joining offer one day before joining date. It was obvious as 2 month back I was interacting with her regularly and she was aware that I have 8 yrs of industry experience and still a bachelor.
She said “Meet my daughter" pointing to a cute kid standing with her. I extended my hand to kid and said "Hi". Still lift had not come to 6th floor and thing was getting difficult to me.
"Get married soon" said HR.
"Yes, I am also thinking that time has come" I replied.
Finally lift arrived and ended my torture, I decided to take stairs.

I am 29 years old (still) a bachelor. Life in a strange city especially for a bachelor not living with parent is tough especially for male. Not many people will realize this.

"When are you going get married"? This question I started getting slowly and now more often around 6 years back from all walks of my life friends, colleagues. relatives etc.

4 years back I was staying in a society Apartments in Gurgaon with my friend who was working in Hero Honda. Most of people in neighborhood apartments were either couples or staying with their families.

Before I continue let me explain that I belong to normal middle class family and my parent instill decent Indian family values to me. Whenever we used to seat in society park people used to look us strangely like we are some kind of thief specially those who were with their wives. I think they were either too insecure or did not have trust on their wives. I was not there to steal their wives neither did I was interested in a married women. One day while I was walking there one couple was sitting in car with light switch on when we passed beside car his wife took a glance on us and we too looked at her. Seeing this husband switched off car light. I felt really insulted obviously he had a bad perception about our character.

In my previous company I came to know when I joined there that the person who had interviewed me had told to his team mates that he had interviewed a person with few kids. I don’t why he had such perception. I am slim, fit and healthy. He must have derived his conclusion from my years of professional experience.

As bachelor I have to face and struggle different sorts of problem at different walks of life.
"Sir, these people are bachelor." told my house agent to owner of the house. I was searching a house in Bangalore and after 2 weeks of running I found one good.
"I don’t want to rent it to bachelor" said house owner bluntly.

I insisted and asked "Why sir", we are decent guys working in reputed company and don’t have any bad habit even I don't drink. But he refused. We had settled for some other house.

"Rakesh, when are you going to get married.” asked my product manager one morning in office when I passed by him.
"I don’t know yet" I replied.
He advised me to get married soon else I would lose interest and it would be difficult for me to adjust.

It was not a first time my bachelor status was questioned. Many project meetings have been centered on my bachelor discussion only. I really wondered is being bachelor or single, crime or people cant see others being single or happy.

Whenever my all married friends meet their wife would say "Rakesh, get married soon", When will you get married." all sorts of enquiries. Also they have stopped calling me to their gathering and I too feel uncomfortable as every one will come with their wife and what will do in that gathering alone. Also the character assassination u will realize only when all your friends’ wife will call you Bhiya.

It seems that my friends don’t trust my character at all.

Because of these social embarrassments I stopped visiting to married friends or any social gathering where couples are invited. Even in office my colleagues complain that I staying in office not because of my passion dedication or responsibilities of my work but because of I am a bachelor and I don’t want to go at room or don’t have any place to go. What is hell should I say to these morons.

Is being bachelor is crime? I think in Indian society there is no place for single or bachelor. An unmarried person is always discriminated here and there. As a bachelor u will always be overloaded with work in office people will talk behind you giving various reasons about not getting you married. You feel isolated in social gathering. There is no place for singles in Indian society.

One obvious discrimination is that there is channel for kids, there is channel of old there is channel for couples but there is no channel for adult’s bachelor and I still keeps on browsing channel without purpose looking for the adult program.

"I want you to get married in next 3-4 month" told my father when I was at home during Holy vacation.
"But it’s too early and I am not financially equipped to bear the burden and cost at this stage". I don’t know anything.” said my father.
Meanwhile my mother came with some girls proposals. I felt shy and uncomfortable looking at them.
"What about this one" asked my mother?
I expressed some concern. But they did not listened or tried to understand.
The plot was ready for big parliament debate which was scheduled in the evening when my uncle also joined us as speaker.

"What is problem with this profile" asked my father.
"No problem, these are only my area of concern. Please look in to this. You people go ahead with it get them clarify. Once you are OK I will talk with her and let you know." I said.
"Let me know what question you will ask" asked my father. I kept silent.

Now I even don’t what I am going to ask and what I am looking in a person I am not buying a product that I am aware about features but I should be know and understand other persons concern. Now a day girls have more concern and marriage is anything but commitment.

"You don’t understand what kind person you should marry, do what we say and get married." this was a bouncer from my uncle.

My uncle is understanding type and I am more open in discussion with him than my father. I have spent lot of time discussion and playing various things with him.
He continued, "You only know office work and lacks understand in other front of life. You got your mind poisoned working in that environment. This generation is spoiled" he added.
I said nothing.

"If you have any one in your life lets us know or any one you are interested in" my mother intervened.
"I don’t go office for romancing. I go for work." I replied politely.
"Go and meet these offers once your Ok I will move ahead" I added just to finish this debate also because discussion was getting heated and I started raising my voice which I was feeling bad. Frankly speaking I did not like any one out of this photograph as I have already glanced them when my uncle was looking at them.

“I know this girl and you can't refuse if you’re going to meet her." said my brother.

He was pointing to one snap he had already met that girl in Allahabad and that was distant relative of my Mama Ji. Why can’t I say no if something I find difficult to accept or she has any issue. It was out of my understanding and all logic failed against this statement. Also my father was insisting as he was finding it difficult to refuse this proposal as it came from my Mama Ji side. What they did not understand that I have just put concern and they all were discussing it without getting it clarified with concern parties. Also in this matter I am bit traditional type and don’t want disappoint people who are around me. I want them to carry this task giving weightage to my criteria.

"Why don’t you find a girl in Bangalore and let us know. Or search by yourself. I can’t go out looking girl for you. I am answerable to society. I can’t refuse so many people coming to this house. Choose any one out of these." declared my father.

One session of parliament was over after 4 hours of discussion. And coalition between left and congress was about to break over this nuclear deal issue I was finding it difficult to handle.

Few months passed and discussion continued over phone mainly... my parent and my uncle were visiting Bangalore.

"This house is big but we need some one to stay here. It looks empty" said my aunty as soon as she entered in house.

They came after 38 hours of train journey. Obviously she was referring to my bachelor status and wanted me to get married soon. I just smiled.
So the team that is looking a girl for me consists 4 main members. My uncle aunty and my parent. My uncle being leader of the team. Besides that there is other side member and I understand that they know more than me about what kind of girl should I marry.
"You go and meet this girl with your mother and aunty. She is in Bangalore and we will fix and appointment tomorrow." ordered my father one night after dinner.

My father was telling about a profile which already sent to me before they came here and I didn't like that at all. I have already conveyed that to my family member even though they were still insisting. I was wondering what was purpose of sending me photograph when my opinion was not be considered.
I refused to go. Obliviously it was more than a deadlock situation between left and congress which I understood was not abt principles but abt not understanding needs of each other and showing flexibility to understand each other.

Finally I agreed to go.

My mother and aunty came disappointed next day.

"Aunty, Get Rakesh married" said my friend wife whom I have invited to lunch at my room... its understandable that once some once get married he want
every one else also to get married soon. Why should only few people get punishment?

"So what’s update in your life" asked my friend wife she out of station for 3 weeks, came back 2 days back.
I said "Nothing its same as usual story”.
It was obvious that she was referring to my single status whether I have made any progress in my search of girl or not.

The search is still on and I see a new mail in mailbox with subject "Photo and profile" from my bother. I expect one more debate this evening over phone.

Imagination

This poem I wrote for some one i have not met or seen.......

I guess I have a friend not so far
Not in dreams and not in reality
Although she exist but only in my imagination

With her some time I forget future and past
Forever and ever will this happiness last?
I wonder how long this good time will last
Before we realize one of us would be gone

Place is not far way and only for sometime
If we meet, will it be such a crime..
Wish she would known that in times to come
That she took very long to see sun

What could I do to erase the distance
Should I try harder with persistence.

No purpose for her trying hard to hold
As she has one life to enjoy
Wish she open herself
To thing life offer and be bold.

Time will go and people will go
Then we realize value of thing so.

Come on!! Don’t feel stopped by ego.
So that few years after past will not echo..
May be we will move on in years to come
But we won't be upset for things not done.

(Copyrights Rakesh Kumar)

Search Of Truth..

In search of truth I have come very far ..
I have discovered so many
So many truths I discovered


Few old, few new
Few black, few white...
Few mine, few others
Few virtual, few real
Few hidden, few obvious whom every body ignored

Few were stranger and few ruled my heart.
Few confused and few clear
Few written and few spoken
Few cold and few hot.
Few were reason and few were excuses.

Few tempted me, few excited me
Few loved me, few hated me
Few scared me, few doubted me
Few build me, few broke me

In search of truth I have come very far
I have discovered so many
So many truths I discovered

Few laying everywhere and few standing tall
Few low and few high that difficult to reach
Few as bright to make you blind
Few dark that could not be watched
Few were clean and few were dirty

All were truth, few told and few untold.....

In search of truth I have come very far
I discovered so many
So many truths I discovered....

But you were like a distant star..
Like an asteroid so far away in space
Like a rose fragrance, like a flowing river
Like an early morning dew, like hard as rock
Like a burning candle fighting with wind..

You were not a creation of God
You were born in my tears melting day by day
You grown in my blood, flown in my veins
You lived in my every imagination
You were in my every experience,
You lived in every moment I lived
You were part of my last rites
You burnt with me in my funeral pyre....

And I found you again in the ashes left behind

In search of truth I have come very far
I discovered so many
So many truths I discovered..

But I found only one...

Emotion vs Logic = Generation gap

Recently my parent visited my place after long time first time in 8 yrs. and this was first in those many years. I was able to spend so much time with them otherwise it was just hello, Hi on phone. During the course of their stay there was some heated discussion and different of opinion with me came. I never had such kind of discussion before that. Earlier I used to express my feeling but I never forced them to follow that and mostly it was ignored I didn't cared as it did not effected much to me. During the discussion I realized few things that our difference in argument was not because of my different way of thinking or bcoz of generation gap what people call now a days it difference of emotional and logical thinking. E.g. if my father says that choose occupation for your career he evaluates things based on his experience and facts. e.g. if he says stays near to your home town he means its easy to travel and even in 1-2 days leave I can go home or look for stability and money where I don’t need to work much, if he says to marry a particular goal he means this girls is best suited to my family he is well be caring and good in nature and belong to a good family and she will make a good pair and beautiful of course. All this conclusion is based on practical and logical facts considering the environment we are living. During all these analysis one important things is missing and ignored is that matter of my heart, my own emotions and feeling. Suppose I choose a company or job most of time my concern is about my interest if its able to meet my goal and about my dreams the things I want to do it has nothing to do with being close to home, money or work load or stability job etc. e.g. when I want to marry a particular girl it has nothing to do with his family background or social status or how much she cares or look or is she adjusting to my family or not, it has to do with a person for whom I feel, I want to spent time and for a person who understand my emotions and feelings. You don’t feel for every person in life always. Important things in life to understand your emotions and feeling which only a person himself can understand not any one else. That’s a reason that when ever I take some major decision I discuss with others to see other side of wall but I decides sitting alone understanding my own feelings. I don’t expect others to understand the way feel neither do I want them to blame if any thing goes wrong in future. The difference between youth and old will remain as long the difference between emotion and logical thinking remains. It’s different between heart and mind. Young one most of time follow theirs heart. While old one respect their experience and want to go by them. It’s very difficult to bridge this gap.....

Few hours back...

This poem I wrote bcoz of experience i had few hours back...
and its incomplete and not in final shape..
It was a beautiful Sunday evening
Just got down from an auto ride
Standing on road side, I saw a familiar smile...

I saw her coming down on my side, almost cried
It was a dream of my wildest imagination
The feeling which could never be described...

Distance was small and she crossed in moment
Before I could realize she passed by my side
Could not stop her, my actions were absent...

So close that I could sense her breathing
Just coincident or destiny ways of explaining
Close enough that I could touch her shoulder
I wished those moments to get more bigger...

I was not expecting her to see again
She always feels to me like a old friend
Now I see her walking away farther
Standing, suffering with pain of my heart's blister...

I can not handle any more this stand
Her silence is burning me all
Why she will not ever held my hand
I have been waiting since so long...

Weakest as ever no more any stronger
Life will be difficult without her smile and laughter...

Fugac

This poem I wrote when i was trying to collect my memory figments for past few weeks on a Sunday morning. Its just a seq. of events I have put in few lines...


Floating in the figments of my imagination
i was fighting a battle to become champion


I was in the deserts where i saw a distant rose blossomed
i thought it as ray of hope in the stormed that loomed

My lonely journey to goal was distracted
She smiled at me and my heart reacted


I found a rose which used make day shine
I seeded a plant to see its yield


it started in the month of Jan
i tried my best what ever i can


I went to her as a human, like some one other
it was not in my intention to treat her as lover


i opened my self and never tried to pretend
i found heart racing and nerve bends


i talked little more but voice was soft
I wondered, was it a beginning of a new draft..


I ignored facts, didn't consider
Fake smile can be such a blunder


My way of life was astray
I was wandering looking for a ray


i was not having courage to be bold
but my feeling was not meant to be sold.


smile on her lips and disdain in her eyes
i was not meant to be treated in disguise


Now how can i run from myself i wonder
although i went through many rain and thunder


i was searching what this feeling stored for me?
she never tried to look and see..


Keep on looking world through troubled eye
She treated me like dirt but i won't cry


Perhaps she will get lost in the sea of faces
A journey left incomplete in life's hazes


Now my life seems different, brighter and whole
No purpose in slipping sand trying hard to hold


Its not my habit ask question why?
She will fade way from memory before she realize....

Smoke.....

I wrote these lines one evening trying to sort out some mental puzzles looking back in time to find some answers....


I still luv her, she may also be, how will I know..

She never spoke but i saw through her eyes that glow
Her face was bright, shining like a distant star
Her smile was something for which I could run faster than car
She rule my soul and heart since centuries ago
I still luv her, she may also be, how will I know..


I never thought that i will loose my self
She rules my mind days and nights
I lost every battle with out any fight
I wished to lose surrounding crowd
So that i can tell her my feeling clear and loud
Her words are like deep inside me like echo
I still luv her, she may also be, how will i know..


Now we don't talk any more, I pass by her down my head
There are words unspoken when will be they said
I don't look at her, when i do her eyes follow
I still luv her, she may also be, how will I know..


How long it will go one day it will rain
I hope destiny will come to explain
I have lost her, my desire is just rainbow
I still luv her, she may also be, how will I know..

Choices we make.....

Life gives you many choices. The choice to choose out of good bad whatever things we choose. Whenever i decided to take a step i always took them as my own and whatsoever was the outcome I never blame any one for that. I did never regret ever for any step I took, Even today when I look back and analyzed the things I always feel the that those steps were appropriate considering the situation and surrounding and maturity I had during that time they had also helped me to grow as a person.. Some time I feel that I took step too far and it’s really difficult for me to retreat. Also it’s very difficult not impossible for me forgive I don’t know when I will learn this things... forgiving and forgetting are really two big problem for me. I don’t know about any one other things.

Currently I see lot of problem with me... I am becoming more restless more impatience but keeping patience does not mean that I should be passive to the things...My habit of remaining attached to the past is also very bad. I am unable to move on. I am not sure what may be the reason... May there is nothing to feel that gap... that why I am still living in the past. I am also started to realizing the fact doing too much analysis is also not giving me right answer and its proving dead end now. If realize the real language of meaning is the heart not head then why should not follow my heart but is not becoming blind and ignoring the facts which only a fool would like to do.. I also realize that I have set some high of standard fro my self may be or my expectation from other is too much.... of there is big gap between what I expect and what I am getting through any source... its also seems to be major source of my problem. It’s getting difficult for me to holding my goal and becoming compassionate Its has been more that around one month but I am still not been able to avoid this feeling of discomfort isn’t a long time I hope that fortunately this would not be a permanent situation This is just a passing phase which will help me to reclaim a calmer state of mind in the weeks ahead. I am also realizing this fact no body has been or I don’t expect any one in future who had or would traveled along my personal path I think this road is for my steps alone, so I can't expect anyone else to pave the way. But also because I am inventing my reality as I go along, it doesn't mean I can fall asleep at the wheel. I should try Pay extra careful attention to what's in front of me so I don't miss something significant. But old habit die hard and I keep on missing things on my way..... There are two things trusting your feeling and acting upon them and if I am uncertain I need to carefully considered alternatives... but this is very scary situation...

A poem for a girl...

This poem i wrote for someone(a colleague) few days back. I wrote it because i felt good about her...

I used to be on one side of cubicle..
she on the other side, hearing her chuckle......

Distance was short and only few inches
But to cover them i felt many hitches

As I sit on my chair
Listen her voice occasionally
There was no such place elsewhere

Some time I get up to glance her bright face
Will I get a chance to say hello in any case

Days were passing I got lucky then
Went to dance class and met her again

I was so uncomfortable and unsure
Unable to match her step on dance floor

Day passed by watching her smile
I also got courage to stand by her cubicle side.

I am sure she got that smile
For which I can run few extra mile.

Many days passed and I have nothing more to add
Besides those morning hello to make me glad...

One day she was asking meaning of the scrap
If I had courage why to behaved like crap

I never felt for anyone like this before
Will she understand how much adore

I have a feeling I don't know how to describe
I bring them here in these lines never before scribed

Now I walk to her cubicle to say few words
I want to add more but feel awkward

Sometimes I feel what she thinks of me
Should I invite her and discuss it on coffee

She is also not a fool, though its easy to pretend
Why it feel to me like an old friend

Sometime I wish to say how I feel loud
Wish I lose this surrounding crowd

Today I noticed a strange feeling in evening
The usual smile on her face missing

I know she has gone through many pains
I want her to be without any strains

She has a right not to like me
Or if she want, can slaze me like an Aussie

My feeling are are my own I love them like anything
I don't mind if they can come down crumbling

But I want to let her know
So that tomorrow I don't feel stopped by ego.

So that few years from now I won't have any regret
May be I will move on in years to come but not be upset.


(Copyrights(c) Rakesh Kumar)

I, A computer programme

I as a human is behaving like a computer programme. I don't know whether its in my genome or something written about me. why cant i learn about my past things. at least this is true in certain aspect of my life or activities. May be i as a human programmed to behave for those things in certain ways and its difficult for me change the output in those situation. The whole science about human genome and DNA is certainly true. our activities and behavior is programme to produce a well defined output as defined by our DNA. I started feeling that what is different between me and computer programme whose output is already defined. If my behaviour and activity is already defined am i not computer programme. I tried hard to change certain things in my life but i failed to do so. although i changed and improved so many things in life in journey so far. but why in certain things i failed to do so. what is wrong with that. its not that i lack courage to do so. But when I fall in those situation I produce the same output again and again. When I will learn change these well defined output god knows only.

Cognition....

When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.

.....But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.

(...)

My uncle told me about this famous stuff of Balia district

Rambagh ka aam Surha Taal ki Machli
Aur Pakdti ter ki Baithki Chudawala Ho Bhagwaan...

The story goes like this.....
There was famous orchard named RAMBAGH known for mangos. Surha taal (A Big lake) was famous for its fishes and Pakdi (a old banyan tree) where people used to sit and gossip sleep and relax, was taken by God from singer. The narrator used to praise and sing those lines when he was in prison during british raj. When jailer came to know about these lines he told this prisoner that if they were so famous take me to these places as he wanted to see them. The prisoner took him and gave mangoes from Rambagh orchard and fishes to eat from Surha taal lake. when fish being cooked jailer was relaxing under (Pakdi) this very old banyan tree. He felt so relaxed that he slept there. When he wake up he freed prisoner by giving some money.

A Poem...

Few years back read a book Enlightment: Only revolution by OSHO.
I found one poem that was interesting i was impressed by innocencent desire expressed in it.
I want to live one life more
so that in it i might meet companion
who knows how to give love
who rises in morning smiling at me
who looks at me diving deep into my heart and soul.
Who, in the afternoons, in the midst of her various chores,
feel sad about me
who passes her day in waiting.
who, in the evening gives such welcome,
who releases me from all desires and longings,
releases me from the cares of birth and death
who bring me to timelessness.
I yearn for such companion,
who adds the color of pearls of her warm tears
to my suffering.
won't be upset when journey is difficult
won't wrinkle her brow.
perhaps in next life i will find such companion
who knows how to give love.
for this , i want to live one more life.
Desires have no end. Need are very few, desires have no limit. Man goes on living with the support of these hope and desirtes.

I can't help it.....

Not sure why I am having this strange feeling again. After the bitter experience I thought that i would never be emotionally involve with any one, anything or never ever will allow this to happen or have such kind of feeling for any one, but perhaps i am getting wrong or unable to hold myself enough in this case. May be I am experiencing the same kind of feeling again. The same kind of excitemnt and joy is coming back to me again. The kind of instant connection, the feel to talk, the joy of seeing smile on the face is coming back to again. I know its too early to talk about it but i can't ignore this feeling. Keep visiting to get more update on it.

Swivet....

It has been some time since when i written anything. Not busy exactly but i could not collect enough thoughts to put them here. Things went passed as usual here and there in bits and pieces. started few new things and as usual trying to put them in order. Recently i started an exercise to find out important passions in my life, things that matter most to me. i have collect few of them but i am unable to prioritize most important out of them.

Every where marriage question is being popped up to me again and again to me. I am also trying to find answer to this question. Don' t have any answer, criteria or exact parameter at this point of time and i don't expect it to get it in near future, may be i am little too confused or may be i don't want to answer this question at all.

Recently i rediscovered passion and interest for doing few stuffs in life. which is very important for every one and one should be doing things only what they are most passionate about. We should live a passionate life always.

When the right time comes: its not the about me or some else its about almost everyone. Everyone is waiting for right moment to come. They are consulting astrology, going to the palmist... inquiring in different ways what is going to happen tomorrow. I don't think 'Tomorrow' ever happens. It never has happened. It is simply a stupid strategy of postponement. What happens is always today.

Phoenix

I must admit that last one and half month has been toughest period of my life specially last two week. This is really a crisis time for me. I never imagined that i would be in such as situation. Even today i am not sure things will get better or worst in coming days. I don't know whether i am taking these problem too seriously rather i am reacting too seriously to this problem. Well i am not regretting any of action i took it was best what i could do considering situation and people around me. it may be i could not control things to the extent i should have been. What ever has to happen already happened there is nothing i can do about but i must admit that there are type of people who are more interested in making people life miserable enjoys most in putting others in most uncomfortable positions. I must learn to deal with such kind of people.

All the right reasons

Well you can dig me up a grave
And try and stick me in the ground
Well you can tie me to the bed
And try and beat me half to death
But you can never keep me down
Well you can stick me in a hole
And you can pray all day for rain
You can shoot me in the leg
Just to try to make me beg
And you can leave me there for days
And I'll stay alive
Just to follow you home
And I will survive.......

I have not written anything since last few month around 80 days. Here i will be looking back to those 80 days where i busy and what i was doing and why i could not get time to write few lines. Frankly speaking i was fighting with some bullshit stuffs in life. e.g. some body had stolen my water meter and i had to run to fix that. i was a hell like experience for me. Getting thing done in any government offices in India is like asking elephant to run hundred meter race. so this office was BWSSB. Bangalore water supply and sewage board. just for fixing Rs.700 meter i had to spend 3 working days, additional Rs 1000 and 2 month. These bastard made me run here and there and they did every thing to make my life miserable. I was like a uneducated person in their office running here and there. we are talking abt taking this country to 21st century and superpower how a common person can get a thing done in any govt. office. Your are most luckiest person if things get done on time without paying any extra bucks in any Indian govt office. We human specially Indian will be considered as most corrupt society ever lived on this planet.
I was also busy in study and other stuffs in life. its not i wasted last 80 days here and there but yes there was time of growth and excitement and also there was time when i was low. there was time when i was fighting with some miserable creature on this earth.
I went through new book by Paulo Coelho, "The Witch of portobello" i have still not finished it. It is a story of girl and different people perception and experience who came in conatct with her. I also brought few more books but mostly during these days i was busy with professional stuffs.
Its has been long time since I visited my home and or seen any of my family member exactly 8 month today. i was hoping to visit in near future but my whole plan has gone wasted because of some miserable creatures.
I don't know today i am feeling more relaxed content and enjoying stuff listening music after such a long time. i know that coming few days are going to be tough.
Few more lines......
From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
confusing stars with satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day, when nobody died
And I'm singing
A, Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise would show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive (I'm alive)
Singing A, Amen, I, I'm alive
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day, when nobody died

Decision...

Not written any thing since long time. May be so many things are passing through my mind. one good things about writing is that there must be something concrete in your mind if u want to put it down on paper. If you are not clear u can not write. Try to do it it will not make any sense to any one.
So this is the case currently with me. i am little bit confused and aimless not clear about things in life and just passing day by day. may be i am looking for my next goal or in the process of decision making. Some time u need to face such kind of situation in life it really helps to get hell out of you. some time when u want some thing u get that things not in the for u once imagined so what u are going to do. neither u accept nor u refuse it. its really going to make you insane. i have been really in such kind of situation earlier also and again the same things is before me try to make my life hell. The problem with such things that u always dreamed of such things but it has come in the form that is really not acceptable to you. Now this fight between your dreams and reality. Dreams are closed to your heart and reality is close to your mind what u are going to chose. Not an easy choice to make. Now these kind of decision make you as person what society calls now a days rational, emotional or heartless. These are terms given by society and i really don't bother about it. Some time i really feel why such situations are coming again and again before me why things that i always wanted are coming in the form that is really difficult to accept. These situation are poisoning me slowly. Things for whom once i was really desperate i am not accepting and they are not easy set of choices i am going through...

Seriousness and success

Since seriousness is not guarantee of success why should we remain serious or behave like that we are doing something serious. Life should be filled of fun if there is no fun there is no meaning of living life.
so always laugh have fun whatever u do............

Recently i have few things in mind but i don't where those thoughts have been disappeared.. i am unable to find words or may....

Last week i saw the movie in the pursuit of happy(i)ness. its was a good inspiring movie. ultimately it gives u message that happiness is something u can not hold on and u should always running behind it that's the way u feel satisfied and happy. u will never be able to reach to a point where u would say that u are happy bcoz thats end. So u should always pursue for happiness.

The Speaking Mind.....

Why blogging is so popular let me tell u some truth. In this society people are suppressed by many things and many ways. There are so many bounding and condition don't do this do, do that or do this. People are not natural now a days. Society is suppressing individual in many ways and finding innovative wyas to do that. We are unable to speak naturally or express naturally or behave naturally. Where are natural people. Atleast by blogging we can express our natural feeling. The feeling that nobody is aware of and we are not scared of expressing it. So its a medium of expression. Let's express our feeling freely at least.
OK... Enough talk some facts............

I went home few week back in my elder brother marriage. Lots of relative were there. Few of them i have seen after long time. Then some thing happened after marriage that had stopped me to think. I don know whether this custom is still being followed in any part of world or not its still in eastern UP village. What happens that whenever some close family member were about to depart specially with ladies like mother daughter or any close relative specially ladies etc. They will hug each other and start weeping and crying. I could not understand when i was child this phenomenon that why my mother start weeping when ever she left he mother home even though it was a 50 km distance and they could meet or talk whenever they want. There was nothing such as they would meet after such a long time. I wondered that 10 min back they were so happy and when we had to come back they started weeping without any reason. Some one can shed tears like that. I have understand it now as its way to express their gratitude, respect and pain of separtaion, and clean their heart with any negative emotions if they have any. Tears is the greatest leveller and ultimate emotions that person can have, and only strong people can show this emotion to society, The only people who are true by heart. Some time i think why people are so sick now a days bcoz they are unable to show their truest emotions tears. I think every body whenever they want should not suppressed their tears. those people who shows tears hardly gets angry, bcoz they don't have any negative emotions inside them and they more helathy than others. The society which show tears does not have any insane and does not requires any psychiatrist.

What is purpose of life can any one tell me. Do i need to earn name, fame or to help others or what? Nothing is making sense to me. what is ultimate goal of life and why i am living a life for what.
Today i read a realistic article in newspaper. It was about younger generation going to prostitute for fulfilling theirs desires and even paying for getting love. There is logic behind that althiugh i am not personallly recommending but lets don't be hypocrite. Boys always run to prettiest girl and girl always go for boys who is good looking or have rich dad or lots of money to spend. So why the hell we are bringing love in this stuff. It was not the case in any way. Even though if they get married why the hell i should say they love each other or not they fullfilling anything but love and which was never the case from beginning to end. Most of time girls always complain to boys that we don't understand them what is hell that they do understand our need. So what is the hell if men are going to get what they want in simple and straight way.

I don't know what love is but its important to be natural be creative and feel free in any kind of relationship. If u are in a situation in which u miss any of these thing u are not going to be in that for long. I am sure.....
Our mind have two part one that analytical portion and one that artistic portion and if we suppress our artistic portion.. we will become a robot. This mind is reason behind all kind of growth.
There are few thing in my mind.. i want do some stuff. Marriage is also among them but some thime i thnk is its too important for me.

Cooking or running is greatest stress buster for me. I like cooking very much. It give me ultimate pleasure. Even after 15 hours of work in office I come at room does not find food i cook without any complain.

Some observation.....

Recenlty i went home in my brother marriage and had few observation.
First time realised my parent are getting older. My father has grown up from no where. He gave best what he could provide me and my elder brother with in his own limitation and with best intentions and had earned great social circle and respect without having any monetary accomplishment. what he achieved i still consider is great considering circumstances. I still believe what he had done is far better than what i had done in current circumstances. in a way he carried further that what i had realized. Up till now I have seen him very calm and energetic through day and night when ever some one calls him for any help. i found him never worried. Even he still use to play hockey and football at this age. but this time saw that he is not in his usual being, loosing temper in even smallest matter may be he is unable to handle so many things now, perhaps age is taking over him. its ver hard for me to see him in such situation. We grow up admiring some one through all our life an some day we see the person is not the same. Its hard to handle when u see your hero's falling before your eyes. I wish he could play with me football once again with me as goalkeeper and he as a fullback.

Since last 12 years i am living away with my parents for study and job. i visit generally in festival or in vacation and generally twice or thrice in year so. During all these years my parents visited one to my place. I call them twice thrice during week. so they have very little idea what i basically do in my job even then dont know which company i recently joined and address where i live. what i want to do and what my feelings are. i went through my moments of pain and pleasure without sharing any of my feeling with them. Even today when i call them i am unable to express my feeling but they understand it without i speak a single word but not fully although they ask but i am unable to express it.
Recently they talk me about my marriage i could not express my honest feeling and they could not explore it further with me. I must agree that i never interfere in what they do. i don't know if it was good or bad but i must agree he has his own style of working and taking things in its own way. and i don't want to interfere in that.

Notes(Post-it) you will find on my bedside wall...

My bed is always half filled by my books ever since I remember studying. But recently I realized that my bed side wall is also getting filled with Post-it notes which i started using around 1 year back. Following are comments you will find on those post-it note sticker.

1. Do not use anger because of your own emotions.
If you are inconsistent in your feeling you will lose your dignity.
When people are desperate they will fight to the death.
Every matter require prior knowledge.

2. Criticize-> resentment.
We should evaluate the value of things we are currently holding and determine if they still means to us.

3. Take a risk a day.
Every day we should do something which we don't know. So that we can learn it.
I get the thing only when I try too hard. So try too hard.

3. Ability to remain calm in the face of unexpected and comfortable with ambiguity.
What worked in past is not always assume for future.
Preparation, Incubation, Illumination, Execution.

4. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointing for the things you did not do than by the one you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail off from safe harbor. catch the trade winds in your sails.

5. Persistence in seeking goals without obstacles and setback.
Listen, feel, sense, Look in to their eyes get a gut sense what they want.

6. Life always give us second chance.
Battle that go on longer than necessary end up destroying enthusiasm necessary for later recreation.

7. What is now proved is once only imagined.

8. You are worth much than you think.
Your work and presence on this earth are important even though you may not believe it.
Continue to live without fear and you will triumph in end.

9. There are no easy choices, easy choices are long gone.

We are basically product of environment. These are things that make us. Its true in sense in every aspects. Its opposite of what it should be. Our environment should be by product of us not we. Our environment decide how are growing how are behaving or how we are developing.

When i am going to get married.
This question is being asked to me more frequently now a days by everyone. Frankly i don't know yes physically people thinks that may be its proper age and may i am financially little bit prepare too. but is it enough to get married and these are only two main criteria to enter in this institution. may be by a average attitude its seems to OK. but what about other things. first thin why i should enter in this institution. jut for getting sexual gratification or too satisfy my physical needs. or do i need a companion to pass time and share thing. i am not interested in having a companion and or neither do i am suffering with loneliness. i have enough things to do i in life and i fully enjoy being alone. I am not interested in keeping someone close to me and let her feel he or she does not have any important in my life. How can i spent whole life with some one just by talking with her ten minutes. Honestly speaking i also have problem with commitment and and having trust on others and most of all i don't want give key to my happiness in some else hands.

Illation

Either there is nothing to write or I am unable to find any thing to write. Well lots of things have been passed but I don't know why I am unable to do so.
Unable to put it here. Few days back I started discovering myself. Last few month have been self discovering journey which has helped me to recognize myself and my feeling what basically I am what I want to do. The most important thing in life is to know what your doing and what and why your want to do.

Change.......

Every body passes through changes in his life. Some times we choose these changes and and some time these changes choosed us. Whoever chooses passing through change is not easy at all. Whatever kind it consists of. We change places, jobs, relationships. But question remains whether changing these external peripherals really changes us internally. What is purpose of these changes if transformation does not take place. In every change if do not goes through process of transformation interlace we will suffer in this process. Changes should be synch with our internal transformation then we will grow in process of these changes.

Lots of things happened during past 2-3 month I don't know whether they are really putting worth here. There are sense of disappointment, anxiety, excitement, hope, fear that have been originated through these actions. As with the passing time I am becoming less reactive to these felling. Some people may say that its good and you are maturing but internally I am loosing my energy in a way as I feel sometime.

Now a days I have little things to think about in my life. How much time I can think about myself. If I don't have any other thing in my life to think about. Most of time in life we think about other things/person in life and very little about ourselves its very much true(95% others 5% ourselves. If you don't believe check it.).

Most time people are suffering because of various reasons. We should always evaluate the things we holding in our lives whether they are worth holding. The cost associated with them. It may be anything relationship,friends, place, things, job.
We should keeping asking are they worth holding in ourlives?. Most of time we will get a negative ans.

Most of the time in in social relationships I have been uncomfortable. Hardest things in life is to deal with fear. Its nothing but expecting something to happen.
3 greatest fear man kind is facing is fear of death, fear of getting mad, fear loosing love ones. I believe root of all problems of person lies in his fear. Lets eradicate fear all problem will get solved automatically.

What is greatest paradox of life. You say yes when you want to say no and vice versa. I know many people say no when they want to say yes and vice versa. Its not about yes or no it distance and difference between heart and head and this is the toughest journey which you will ever takein life.

Potvaliant

It has been long time since I written anything. Well one month is not a long period to consider. Its not about passing no of days but situation u face in life defines whether a period is long or short. Few days back I read a few pages from "My experience with truth". Most of the time in life we have to deal our own insecurities and fear they are not originated from any external source rather than they originate from your inside. The greatest fear you face in life is originated from our own inside and it does not comes from any external sources. We are always fighting to deal with that. Some time are able to control them and some times they control us.

Some time back a word strike to me "perverseness" the meaning of this word is to willfully and with determination go for what is desired. I don't know how its is different and how its is true. There are really two type of tragedy we face in life one is to follow our heart and other is not to follow our heart. Its better to follow any one out of these and I am sure the experience we face will mature us but don't be in between of these two.

Now a days every one is facing a different kind of burden. Its not a physical weight on some one shoulder but emotional burden, The burden of fulfilling others expectation, and I see it a major reason behind all the problem of man. It destroys a human in two ways if a person fails in this it hurts his self esteem fills bitterness and if the person succeeded its boost his egos both are dangerous situation. This reason why love is disappearing and hate is prevailing. Because love comes with freedom but person is captive with these so many expectation and he is unable to live a usual live, his whole positive energy converts in negative one which comes out inform of hate and anger.

Not much have change in life besides passing few month and wasting few days... Wasting time is important part of life. What is there to do in so many years to come besides fulfilling others expectation e.g social commitments and expectation. What is there to live in life if its not our own.........

Few days back I happens to see my old mails(4-5 years back).. I went through some reading. I read among those few close to my heart I had written during that period. I was shocked....How my feeling my beliefs and my thinking has changed in last 4 years. The feeling I had while writing those mails, were different and when I read them today its seems to be childish, foolish or sweet. I don't know what words describes them. Today I am in more light or in more darkness I don't know. I realized that beauty about first love is that u think things will go like this forever. And these feeling would continue forever... You grow in life but u will never have that feeling again for anything else. U will not feel like this again in your life. May be u have learned by mistake but no way u can compare 1st to 2nd.

Some times I feel that I am always attracted to crisis. I need something to bang my head. For me its better to feel pain rather not having any felling at all. I feel my self most alive and most myself in these life and death situations. People may think this is a self destructive urge in side me but its basically my way of being passionately and intensely involve in things. I love running fast....

When dream dies...

Its not so easy. Losing anything in life has never been easy for me in any way. It can be anything physical, virtual anything or even your thoughts but worst of them all is losing your dreams. It may be that u have not achieved them neither you have ever tried them to achieve but yes there was a flame burning inside your heart over a period of time. I never wanted in my life journey to those dreams short and easy. because I am afraid to reach there to realize them at then end. I always and thoroughly enjoyed those journey there were ups and down yes there were some tough time but I accepted them . I have satisfaction of taking those difficult time and challenges during those journey. I have won so many battles during those journey without any regrets. But when u finishes your journey either you may be victorious or u may not be. But what's is there to do once u finished that journey. Toughest of them all is not getting what u desired when u took those journey and then this is the time when u realized that your dream is finished, your dream is dead and that burning flame is missing inside you. You are just like a physical body without soul. Before u started journey there was a hope, hope about your dream that yes one day u will realize that it does not matter how long and difficult journey u would take. But what is there with u after u have taken that journey. May be the experience of that journey will help u in getting mature in different way but does it really matter when that dream is over. The feeling of emptiness, the feeling of closed doors that u r seeing before u is not a easy to accept. Only the person who took that journey can experience.

Few days back I went through few lines as follows...

Experience life in all possible ways good-bad,
bitter-sweet, dark-light, summer-winter.
Experience all the dualities.
Don't be afraid of experience,
because the more experience you have,
the more mature you become.

yes, I am maturing.....

A Story about love...

Once upon a time there was a bird, She was gifted with perfect wings with glossy look and beautiful, colors. He was creature made to fly freely in sky and bringing joy to everyone who saw her. One day a person saw him and fell in love with her, He saw her flight and his mouth open in amazement, his heart pounding, his eyes were shining with excitement. He invited bird to fly with him and two travelled across sky in perfect harmony. He admired and celebrated that beautiful bird.
But then he thought the bird might want to visit far off mountains and he was afraid the he would never feel same about any other bird and he felt envy, envy for bird ability to fly and he felt alone. So he thought: 'i am going to set a trap. The next time bird appear she will never leave again'.
The bird who was also in love with that person returned next day fell into trap and was put into a cage. He looked at the bird everyday. There she was his object of desire and passion. He showed her to his friends who said now u have everything you could possibly want.
However a strange transformation began to take place. Now that he had bird and no longer needed to woo her he began to lose interest in her. The bird unable to fly and express the true meaning of life began to waste away her look and started looking ugly and the person no longer paid any attention to her except feeding and cleaning cage. One day the Bird died and person felt terribly bad all his time thinking abt her. But he did not remember the cage he only thought of first day when he saw her flying freely in clouds...
Without bird his life lost meaning and death came knocking at the door he asked death "Why have u come". Death replied " If u have allowed her to come and go u would have even loved and admired her more and u need not me to find her again."

Thus story comes to an end....
Now if person had looked more deeply into himself he would have realized that what had thrilled him abt the bird was her freedom and energy of her wings in motion not her physical body.

Every body knows how to love. Because we all born with that gift. some people have natural talent for it. But majority of us have to learn. Need to burn on bonfire of past emotions. To relieve certain joy and grief, certain ups and down. until they find connecting thread behind each encounter.

All my life i thought( so does most of people around us) love as some kind of enslavement( Even though u don't think your action will speak in that way). Well that is lie, freedom only exists when love is present. The person who gives her self or himself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most whole heartedly and person who loves whole heartedly feels free. True experience of freedom is having the most important things in the world without owning it.

Only one, Mind or Heart

Doubting Mind, Trusting Heart...

The above title says it all. I have chosen it bcoz i am really pissed off having both with me. They have fragmented me in a way that has filled bitterness inside me. If i look back and see what i have gained till now by means of any one of these too, either mind or heart other has destroyed it. Things i gained using mind could not be used bcoz my heart refused to accept it, and things i gained using heart was unacceptable to mind. May be it seems foolish but i am not in a position to accept both of them together. Its really very hard to live with them together. Things which is acceptable to mind is unacceptable to heart. They cant agree on any subject or anything together in my life and i believe its true for others as well as if they truly listen to them( i am not saying that i always listen to them but i try to listen them whenever i take major decision in my life. The true nature of mind is to doubt while heart is completely opposite of that always trusting without any logic. all the great things have been done by people who have trusted their heart not mind. but mind is equally important too , Most of time u will not have any problem its bcoz u r not listening to them they are operating independently but some time u will find in situation where u will try to listen them together that is point where life becomes hell. Frankly speaking i really don't want both exist with my body. give me only one and i am really very comfortable and success full living with any one of them. what is need of these two bullshit stuff living in a single body if they cant not agree on any think. these two are independent entity and should operate alone freely, both are equally important and powerful.

The Risk

Every day in life we should take risk. if i say we should take a risk a day then its not wrong. We will only understand life when we allow unexpected to happen. Every day in life we get the moment to change the things that makes us unhappy. But most of the time we try to neglect those moment, most of the time closing our eyes towards them. Expecting today to be same as yesterday and will be same as tomorrow. but once we start paying attention we will discover these moment. These moment may come anytime and may pass quietly these moment may seem same to us but they have power to change our lives. can we identifies them if not then may be we recognise the passed moment that has occured so far in life may be we r regretting abt not paying attention to them. These moment helps us to change and follow our dreams. May be we r going to suffer. we will face difficult time and disappointments but these just phases that will ultimately pass. One day when we look back then will find the satisfaction of taking that journey. Their are people or moment when we are afraid of taking risks. but one day when he will look back life will ask what have u done with moment it has given. We buried ourselves in cave bcoz u were fearful of losing those talents. so this ur heritage: the certainty that we wasted our life.
Now why people are afraid of taking risk in life r we too manipulating things now a days. we r engaging too much mind on things. mind always doubts things. but if we look back we see all the great things and discoveries has been done by the people who have followed their heart. Mind always doubt things becoz it want to repeat same thing again and again. It refuse to accept new things. Its resistance to new things that stop us form taking new things in life.

Things I hate about love...

1. Tears: It has to come sooner or later. As second words of love it self says "O: ocean of tears". I hate tears. Neither I can weep for anything in life nor I can see tears in any ones eyes for whatsoever reason.

2. Happiness: How could be your happiness be associated with some thing which outside of you or some body else. Your feeling of joy and sorrow is associated with you only and not any one else. External factor can affect ur feeling to certain extent. But seeing others happy becoming happy and seeing others sad becoming sad is like half of u is residing in someone else. I hate falling in sad situations and neither do I want to become cause of others sadness. What the hell is there to let other feel sad about u if u cant make them happy.

3. Your main aim of life becomes keeping others happy. Kick this bullshit stuff. We should try to keep our self happy first. This should be our main aim not that keeping our self sad keeping others happy. If I am not happy I can not make others happy. if i am feeling bad and if u dont like my mood run go out of my sight, is that clear.

4. Change: change is inevitable every body like changes and it part of human growth but change for others, for fulfilling others expectation and happiness. Are we living our own life or a borrowed life. I love changes but don't like to leave the thing I enjoys doing since years.

5. I, me & Myself: In the process of falling in love u will lose yourself and your identity this is damn sure. love will capture your empty spaces and time. And in current scenario and technological advances u will not have time for your self your whole thinking process will be crushed. I love being alone to regain and analyze my self. kill that thing if it disturb your peace of mind.

6. Craziness: love take ur mind not ur breath(as said in movie TOPGUN) you will lose your mind and u will do the craziest things in your life which u would have never imagined of doing before. Love comes with madness. Why to lose peace of your mind.I believe in taking practical/sensible decision not emotional one. I don't want my decision to be influenced by others emotions too.

7. After falling in love u will never enjoy things alone or being alone may be u can enjoy being together but not being alone after that. No body knows what happens after falling in love. u have came in this world alone first u should enjoy yourself and ur own company.

8. Blindness: Love is not blind it makes people blind. People who falls in love lose their logical and analytical ability a sense of judging thing right and wrong. Perhaps in love your mind stops working and and you use heart in taking decisions. You will lose sight of facts and honesty. Love basically degrades your morality specially where love it self involved. You will cheat and speak lie frequently. I like being honest and truthful. I cant say what other people want to listen. Give these hypocrites a kick.

9. Freedom: u lose all kind of ur freedom. Mental, emotional and physical. You lose freedom of expression. You manipulate people, situations too often. You express things based on happiness of other. I hate knock at door or cellphone ring when I am sleeping . I don't like controlling anyone and neither do i like to be controlled myself. People are born free and they better know what they can do better for them self rather than me. Now a days every ones know what others should do but they dont know what them self should do.

10. Future: People who falls in love thinks abt things that are in future. Like marriage, well being, and always try to make future better and also try to forget past. Obviously with one step in the past and the other in the future; its no wonder they are pissing in the present. I believe in my dreams and try to plan the things. I hate when someone else start effecting my decisions. My decisions are my own and I am responsible for them. I don't want neither others nor my decision to be effected by each other's.

11. Love will makes u weak and emotional . You will experience every kind of emotions in life that never experienced. It will bring unnecessary worry and anxiety in life. I hate some emotions like insecurity, feeling loosing someone and feeling of distrust. I also hate asking questions which some one feel uncomfortable or don't want to ans.

12. Even though u say you both love each other one but u will ended up fighting and expressing anger. I hate expressing my anger on any person for whatsoever reason.

13. I like beautiful things in life. I like to enjoy them freely whether I get or not . If u own something I am sure u would not able to enjoy others things if u seem them to some one else. its saying that most beautiful things should be felt by heart and as in case of love see and feel but don't own it. it come with so many other things e.g. feeling of jealous, possessiveness and once they come love will disappear but these feeling will not. A love and jealousy can not exist together.
Unnecessary u feel bad/jealous about someone whom u don't know. i hate feeling or saying bad abt anyone specially whom i don't know.

14. You need to remember few important date like DOB, marriage etc, I don't bother abt past dates its only concern of historians. If am not bother about my DOB why to hell remember others DOB. With each passing day you are one day closer to death what the hell is there in birthday to celebrate.

15. There are other important relations to cater in life but with love you will lose all those you will stop giving time to your friends, hobby, parents etc.

Remember:
The toughest journey which u will ever take in life is the one you take from you head to heart.

The Pain

i have chosen above title because whole world is infected with above. Everyone has experienced pain and suffering at their different stages of life. going though these words u will find that pain is basically a kind of experience that u had passed through at a certain stages of your life. while suffering is basically ur point of view towards a thing or object. it may be that while experience a pain u r enjoying ur moment and their is no suffering at all. while suffering is a kind of virtual reality which exist in effect but not in reality. major concern of humanity is now a days is suffering not pain. so why do people suffer and what is ultimate cause behind it. as i said it is basically our point of view towards some object that make u suffer e.g. u suffer in a certain situation or in a person company why a person suffer in same situation while others don't bcoz people have different point of view. root cause behind is our point view and as people have started becoming too ambitious and too unadjusting with them self they r becoming very rigid in changing their point of view toward that things which ultimate cause them to suffer this process goes on or u can say life keeps on giving u lesson unless u learn form them. which eventually occurs after we change our point of view thus end of suffering.

Just Another Brick in the Wall

We are said that we are human, The most powerful and intelligent in all living creature but in reality we just a brick to be a part of a bigger wall and we have to fit in to it, or make ourselves to fit enough to be part of this wall. This is our ultimate fate and objective as of now. Is our life is worth living. Life is just wasted in living.
The ultimate irony of living a life like a brick that either u solve the purpose or finished. Since our childhood we are sub duded through pain and pressure to learn the rule to be fit enough in this wall. We never shine through whole of life what have we have shown or known. We have to full fill expectations of others or so called society and family at different stages. Will We ever be able to live our own life, by living a life of this kind we are just wasting it. We run here and there to please or meet others expectations, filling bitterness inside us. Its like fighting a fight that We can not win and that too for others I don't understand any purpose in that. Will we ever live our own life and feel as sense of freedom. With each passing day life is fading away and our dreams are drifting further away. Emptiness is filling inside everyone and darkness is growing inside us.

Atonement

It starts as i have stared thinking.......
The psychology behind greatness, behind proving oneself, is very simple. Everyone from his very beginning, is told that he is not what he should be. Disciplines are given, commandments are given; he has to fulfill them. If he cannot, he starts feeling inferior. It seems that others are fulfilling them, only he is not capable. And the inferiority complex is the basic mind disease out of which many diseases arise. No one is born with an inferiority complex. It is the society, the culture, which are responsible for creating the inferiority complex in oneself. And the only way for one to get rid of it seems to be to prove himself worthy according to the expectations of others. He will become somebody else that he was not by his nature supposed to be. He will never be happy; misery is going to be his lot. If he proves worthy in the eyes of others and becomes respectable, he will smile but in his being there will be no flowers blossoming. He will show that he is dignified, but deep down he knows he has betrayed himself. He has committed the greatest crime possible: he has betrayed his own nature. He has gone against existence and listened to all kinds of idiots. If he succeeds, then he is miserable. If he does not succeed, of course he is going to be miserable. It hurts -- because no individual is higher and no individual is lower. Is the flower of the marigold inferior to the rose? But how can you decide? They are unique in their individuality's. The whole existence produces only unique people; it does not believe in carbon copies. So the question of equality or inequality does not arise; I cut it from the very roots. This idea of making everybody equal, cutting them to the same size -- economically, educationally, in other ways -- is absurd, because inequality will show in other dimensions. People are not equally beautiful. Everything is unique; you cannot find two persons equal Intellectually you cannot make them equal.

Zinda- am I alive

Zinda- am I alive (Agony of watching movie "zinda")

Early Sunday morning I got a call from my friend that he had booked a ticket to movie zinda in the evening. I thought it would be a better idea to end a weekend with a movie. I was not aware that it will take another week to finish my weekend. without wasting ur time the way I spent money and time let me go through the story first.
sanjay dutt is s/w developer ( I dont know, is he look like even a project manager, which firm is employing 40 yrs old person in s.w development) any way he has celina jetly as his wife and Mahesh manjereker as his friend. so his firm want him to stay in Bangkok and developed that s/w from there. in few moment Sanjay Dutt disappeared from beach( in front of house, before his wife gives him new of her pregnancy) we found sanjay dutt in small cell. Where he is crying, weeping, shouting, and eating momos. He has a TV in that cell. After some initial drama sanjay dutt stats exercising to take revenge form the person who has put him in that. weeping in the cell sanjay dutt see the news of his wife murder and finds him self accused of that murder. He goes through various world news of each passing years like wtc attack , india in cricket world cup final, tsunami etc.) suddenly after 14 years we find sanjay dutt coming out of a box in market. thanks to agony of audience Sanjya dutt has been released with a cell phone, some money and a decent suit. so how does sanjay dutt find the person who has made him to suffer like hell for 14 years?? snajay dutt finds lara dutta as a taxi driver goes through each restaurant in Bangkok starts eating momos, why ?? to find the taste of momos so that he could knew where he was as a prisoner). finally he find the person who used give him food in cell and he reaches to the owner of cell after some bloody and heinous torturing. there he came to know a new kind of business used to take contract of kidnapping people and keeping them in cells, addition feature like torturing, killing, hair cut can be availed by paying extra money. (this movie is must for biharis who should look into this business besides kidnapping) after some fight and killing with some songs sanjay dutt reach to john Abraham who had made him to suffer like hell. john come after interval(50 minutes starting of movie) he is a person behind all his suffering. but why?? now here comes interesting part bcoz during his school days(not even in college days) sanjay dutt with his friends were in involve in playing prank with john Abraham elder sister. who commits suicide due to all mental suffering/comments of her classmates.finally after some fighting and killing john sanjay dutt gets his daughter and story comes to an end.our 2 hours suffering also comes to an end.

1. Now I will never see a movies from sanjay gupta. I should have learn this lesson after seeing Musafir it self.
2. If copying movie have so(as sanjay gupta thinks) any one can become a movie director.
3. Mahesh majrekar u better go to ur direction than to act in these shit movies. it is u who gave us movie like vastav.
4. Now killers can get new instrument which r easily available in market like, hammer drilling m/c to kill some one. better govt should license these household instrument.
5. Biharis can look into new means of business besides kidnapping.
6. Sanjay gupta before copying a movie at least learn from those director (Chan-wook Park's Korean film, Oldboy).
7. I really felt sorry abt those girls who have come to spent their weekend with their hubby. I hope they will recover before valentine day.
8. Now it responsibility of each parent to take his child to watch Zinda before enrolling him in KG classes(if child is ok after movie then enroll). Who knows when he will have to pay price (for what) in future.
9. Those who already enrolled check that girls should not having her brother in same school before playing any prank(better don’t do anythink behave like 60 yrs old). or who knows his child has to pay price for that. A lesson for those boys who used to have crush/comments during primary school days( class 2, class 3)
10. If john Abraham spent 10 million$ per days it will take 96 years to finish that amount. since when john started earning???.(question for IIT jee 2007). john is not looking older than 35 years in movie.
11. Momos is new source of energy if u eat 14 years continuously. I bet u can break walls(sanjay dutt does). if after 14 years, u cant ask sanjay gupta, Sorry not my fault.
12. Zinda is must for dentist who will find innovative way of pulling teeth.
13. The only dialog I remember from zinda is "hard works makes success" at least for 14 years .this should also be applied to movie itself.
14. Zinda is a movie made by dead for dead people who earns(atleast 150).
15. Copying requires intelligence. this has been not true for once, zinda is proof.
16. I am wondering if I am getting paid for watching zinda. I should have some better sense of social responsibility what if sanjay gupta does not have. After all I saw rang de basanti on Friday.